The Ironic Gift

I'm up and down the stairs, scrubbing carpet, rushing with her to the bathroom, and throwing in more loads of laundry than would normally be done in a week!  She's still fearful of most toilets for some crazy reason that I can't understand or make right for her.  Running to one to avoid an even bigger disaster is the last thing her weak, feverish five year old body wants to do.  Yep....that nasty stomach bug that we, as parents, dread more than almost anything else.

I myself am tired, unshowered, and certainly not eating breakfast...or lunch for that matter!  Because... Am I feeling okay, myself?  Am I just hot from running around or is it a fever?  Ugh...what if I get sick AND have to care for her?  And my baby?  And my other kids?  Oh God, please don't let anyone else come down with this!  

We mamas have all been there!  And many dads too.  My husband, when available, is an incredible strength and help during these times when our kids have been sick.  But most kids definitely want the comfort of mama.  And--unless my experience is way off the beaten path--it's mama who lies in bed with eyes and ears wide open, praying and keeping watch throughout these nights.  

And yet, somehow there's peace.  Somehow there is strength!  Somehow the most selfless acts of love and care are the ones that come most naturally.  It hits me this morning as my sweet girl peacefully sleeps off her fever:  I am at my best when she needs me the most.

I sit with this revelation for a few moments, as I listen to her soft sounds.  And I realize how amazing this is.  I realize how reassuring this is.  I realize how natural this is.  Because I realize how like God this is.  Just like the true nature of God.

God encourages us, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12: 9).  My children need me to be strong when they are absolutely weak...unable to complete even the most basic tasks alone.  They depend on my strength and comfort.  They expect it without hesitation.  They know I will be there with them, in their weakness, and they rest assured in this.  It is enough!  No, I can't take away the fever or the pain.  But my presence is enough comfort to allow them to rest peacefully. 

I learn so much from my children.  I learn so much about the nature of God by mothering them.  What a gift!  I think this is one of the main reasons that the Bible says children are a blessing from the Lord.*  They allow me the opportunity to take my eyes off of myself.  What a gift!  But in taking my eyes off of myself through serving them, I am offered the gift of perspective.  I see how they see me...and how God desires me to see Him.  To depend on Him.  To trust in Him.  To find my rest and peace in Him.

I hope to soon see my little girl squeezing her baby brother a little too tightly (big grin)!  I hope to soon see her practicing her gymnastic moves all over the house.  I hope to soon hear her giggling when her Daddy tickles her.  I hope to soon see her restored to perfect health.  But I confess that I am grateful for the gift of this weakness...the gift of this perspective.  This ironic gift.

I pray that I will lean into Him when I am weak.  I pray that I will learn to trust and rest in Him when I am weak.  Just as I am quite possibly the best and most complete mother when my little ones need me the most, I pray that I will allow God to be the most completely who He desires to be in my life...when I am weak.  (I hesitantly, but humbly pray that I am weak more often!).  When I am weak, He is strong.  His power truly is made perfect in my weakness.  When I acknowledge my weakness.  When I have no choice but to completely depend upon Him.  This is the gift.  This is the ironic gift of the stomach bug!

*Psalm 127:3

I am having Coffee For Your Heart with my friend Holley Gerth

More Than an Attitude of Gratitude

Mid-February seems to be an appropriate time to reflect on my scripture for this year. In years past, my New Year's resolutions would likely by now be forgotten or pushed aside in terms of intentionality. However, since I began choosing a scripture passage for my New Year, I am revisiting it regularly.  

 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6,7

I was reading something today that reminded me of a portion of this passage that might be (or at least in my humanness) likely overlooked. "With thanksgiving..."  How crucial this is!  I am a woman drawn to prayer:  regular conversation with God and intercession as well.  I do try to remember to be thankful on a regular basis. But the more that I learn about my make-up, the more that I realize how prone I am to seeing the deficits.  When I see the deficits, I am more likely to complain...or have a negative attitude.  It's not lovely.  I don't like it. But it's part of my nature.  Therefore, it is all the more necessary that I become deliberate about thanksgiving.

It is not enough to " try to remember to be thankful "as I stated earlier.  There must be action attached or it isn't living, breathing, and growing!  As Brené Brown explains, " It seems that gratitude without practice may be a little like faith without works--it's not alive." And how can I possibly expect for my children to grow into truly thankful people unless they see this modeled in front of them?  You can't see a belief or an attitude, can you?  Well....most of the time you can't see an attitude...but that's a different blog post entirely!  What you see are actions!

I have a gratitude journal that I write in semi-regularly; I keep it on my nightstand.  I have recently decided that that simply isn't enough for me.  I am making a choice to become more deliberate about recording thanks--or, counting my blessings--throughout the day and throughout the week.  I have decided to record my thanksgiving in a journal that is downstairs also, where I can more readily access it.  One of my hopes in doing this is that my children see my thanksgiving at work!

For Valentine's Day, we gave each of them a journal for recording their own thanksgiving. They were so excited!  With the exception of one very systematic son, who must wait until the end of a day, they started writing immediately. It was precious to see!

I'm hoping that we, as a family, will cultivate more than just an attitude of gratitude.  I'm hoping that we will become doers of thanksgiving, givers of thanks.  I don't ever want to neglect this key element of the promise of peace that is mine, as my requests are presented to God.

 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6,7

I'm having Coffee For Your Heart with my friend Holley Gerth today 

Get Back On The Horse

I was at a stoplight heading home in a bit of a hurry to finish preparing dinner for my family so I could leave for my women's bible study once my husband returned home with our other children.  My phone alerted me of a text which I quickly scanned.  Something to the effect of "...as soon as I got back to the barn Ella was cantering on her horse--and freaking out--and then fell off when she tried to stop him..."  Oh boy!  I knew that leaving for my bible study on time would not be half as easy with my 7 year old arriving home, most likely in tears, after such a traumatic event at her riding lessons.

We knew it would eventually happen; she would fall off the horse.  It's not something foreign to those learning to ride horses.  We've spoken to other parents whose children have fallen off numerous times, and we've seen such falls as well.  An inevitable fall was always in the back of our minds, no matter how well things seemed to be progressing.  I remember telling my husband "Well, I'm glad she got the first fall under her belt."  However, that was almost enough for it to be her last fall.  If we let her get her way....it would be her last!

Learning to ride horses has been so good for our naturally timid daughter.  Only a little more than a year ago, she was fearful of cats, dogs, and most brand new experiences.  To see her tiny frame next to the horses--even the ponies--was almost comical at first.  We soon began to realize how healthy is was for her to learn to become confident around such a massively strong animal!  And now, the inevitable fall and the necessary lesson of learning to get back on the horse.

My husband told me how good her teacher, Amy, was about that fall.  Ella was already scared to death nervous cantering(running) the horse.  When she fell, so did the tears.  Ron said Amy scooped her up and immediately put her back on the horse, not even allowing for one moment of comfort or complaint.  We would later hear all the complaints...and we would later comfort her as best we could.  In fact, we both spent the following week talking with her, praying with her, and encouraging her.  I sent notes to school tucked away in her lunchbox telling her she was brave and that God was always with her.  But she wanted to quit.  She wanted to never go back.  She tried every tactic!  And I knew we had no choice but to force her to go again, no matter how easy it would be to give in to her fears and rescue her.  We also knew that we could by no means promise her that she wouldn't fall again.  In fact, it's likely there will be many more falls.  No false promises!  All we could tell her was that God was always with her.

The next lesson finally came.  I had to look the other way every time she stared at me with her big brown eyes, silently pleading with me not to put her through this.  We prayed with her in the car before heading into the barn.  This time even I was fearful...not that she would get hurt, but that the inevitable would happen again and that we would have to drag her, kicking and screaming, to any lessons following.  I knew we couldn't let her quit in the middle of fear!  Even if she only rides horses for two more months, we had to help her overcome the fear!  We couldn't allow her to remain paralyzed in fear; we love her too much!

I watched as much of her lesson as I could before heading home to finish dinner for my family.  I was anxiously awaiting the arrival of my family after Ella's lesson.  I held my breath as the front door opened and the chatty crew flooded in.  I looked at Ella, who seemed chatty herself, to my surprise.  Ron said "Ella has a story for you!"  She proceeded to tell me how she had to canter on Dreamer again.  She sounded happy.  She then told me that she fell off.  "But," she exclaimed, "this time I wasn't even scared and I didn't get hurt either!"  She excitedly told me about the rest of her lesson.  She was so happy...as was I!  And not because she didn't fall this time.  She fell, but this fall didn't hold the same power over her as that first fall.  And why?

The why hasn't escaped me at all.  I've thought about it over and over since that first fall.  She got back on the horse!  Would she have, on her own?  No, I don't think so.  But Amy didn't allow her one moment of protest:  she scooped her up and put her back on immediately.  I wish I had an Amy beside me every time I fell.  What a gift she gave Ella on that cold Tuesday afternoon.  I think this will be one of those defining times in her life whether she realizes it or not.  She'll likely fall again and again but she's learned the key to overcoming:  you have to get back on the horse!

We all have horses in our life to climb back on.  We each have times of failure or great fear and there's only one way to truly overcome.  We have to allow ourselves, with God's help, the opportunity to overcome.  We will never overcome the failures or the fears if we don't get right back up and at it again.  Certainly God gives us wisdom.  We are not made to do absolutely everything.  He gives each of us passions and gifts that align with the purpose of those passions.  But experiencing failure in an area, even many times over, is not an indicator of our future success.  With God's help we can succeed!  But more importantly, with God's help hoisting us back on the horse, we can overcome the paralyzing fear that so often follows failure.  It would be much easier to walk away and claim we never wanted it in the first place.  It would have been much easier to scoop up our daughter and hold her soothingly and promise she'd never have to ride that mean horse again!  But we would have done her such a great disservice.
  

Yesterday she had another lesson and she didn't fall at all.  Furthermore, she was on a larger horse.  She told me later how she didn't need help getting on or off Taco.  She was so animated as she explained that she had to kick him much harder to get him to trot but she did just that.  She told me she bridled him all by herself.  She is becoming more and more confident.  I am learning from her.  She got back on the horse...and it's making all the difference!

I am having Coffee For Your Heart with my friend Holley Gerth

Chalkboard Matters

What if we, as mamas, really believed that not just what we do, but WHO WE ARE, matters to our little ones?!  You see, I'm asking myself this question first.  I have to. Because for entirely too long I've been a mama convinced, almost daily, that I just don't quite make the grade.  That I just don't quite fit the bill.  That I'm just not quite....good enough.  And why?  Well...because of what I do or don't do....well enough. 

We can be so unforgiving of ourselves, can't we?  We can lavish grace upon women we've only recently met, seeing fully the good work that God is doing in forming His masterpiece of them.  We can give grace to our children, husband, sisters, brothers, friends, and neighbors...knowing that God isn't finished with them yet!  But then we look so harshly in the mirror and point the finger at every wrong she has done...or left undone.  We can feel such a hopeless cause.  We look around.  We compare.  And we realize we will never do it well enough to warrant any kind of "her children arise and call her blessed" praise*.   

But what if we gave a measure of grace to the face in the mirror?  What if we saw her potential, despite her struggles?  What if we allowed ourselves to believe that even when we don't perform perfectly (per our unfair standards), we are still made perfectly in the image of God*?  What if we allowed ourselves to see the difference we are already making in the lives of those entrusted to us?

I had such a glimpse recently and I'm only just now swallowing it and realizing that the glimpse is God's gift to me. He's allowing me to see that my labor is not in vain*.  He is showing me, ever so gently, that even though I do my very fair share of messing up with my words or actions, or lack thereof...who I am matters!  Who He made me to be is enough to impart grace and love to my children. 

I pray with my children regularly. We pray daily before school, always have.  We pray before meals and at bedtime.  We pray when someone we know is sick; when an ambulance sirens by; when someone has a bad dream; when something doesn't work; when circumstances seem overwhelming; or to give simple thanks. It's just how I live with my children.  I depend on God through prayer.

Recently I had a glimpse that it matters--that it is making a difference.  This past Sunday had some low points.  My husband and I had a disagreement right before I left to grocery shop (something I detest doing on a Sunday, but was necessary due to being snowbound and having a baby with pinkeye all week).  When I got home I felt drained:  inconsiderate Sunday shoppers, no lunch, cold coffee, headache...just drained!  My husband gave me a hug (there was forgiveness on both ends) but I just had a good little cry.  My sensitive seven year old was concerned. She asked Ron what was wrong with me. I didn't want to divulge all of my emotions.  Ron said "maybe just give mommy a hug." She did. But she really wanted to know the why's and what's.  She kept asking and then she said "well maybe if we know, we can pray about it." My heart melts just remembering this. Now I do not take credit, but I do have a part to play in my little one responding this way.  And not because of what I've done! But just because of who He made me to be:  a mama who depends on prayer. 

Last week I wrote about my favorite belated Christmas gift:  an entire chalkboard door!  (I still love it!)

 Well, mama's girls wanted a chalkboard space in their room too.  Why not?!  So we rearranged the furniture and picked the ideal spot to paint the chalkboard.  Those little girls were thrilled.  Yesterday I was picking up some things in their room (an endless chore) and I glanced at their chalkboard drawings.

 My five year old drew like a five year old....and it's precious.

But when I paused to read what my Ella wrote, my heart was so encouraged.  "I love Jesus". "God is good and I am loved".  " God created everyone and everything".

Did she arrive at this alone?  No.  Am I to be praised for her writing such encouraging truths?  No.  But is any of this partly a result of who I am as her mama?  You bet! God gets the credit and all the glory.  But He has helped me live out these truths in front of my children. They are watching. And they are listening. And it matters. Who I am matters.  And when I fail so miserably, day after day after day, who He has made me to be still matters.

Please be encouraged sweet mama!  When you glance at that face in the mirror, don't glare and remind her of how she falls so short of her own harsh expectations.  Instead gaze into the face of God that you see in who she is becoming!  He is not done with her yet.  He who began a good work is faithful to complete it*.  And even when you huff too heavily over homework hurdles, and bark too brashly over bedtime battles, and sulk too seriously over sibling squabbles, remember that you are not only what you do or don't do.  You are also loved. You are also the workmanship of God Almighty*.  He sees you.  He knows you.  And He says that who He is making you to be, matters.  He picked you to nurture, raise, and love these little ones.  He has a perfect purpose.  Be encouraged, sweet mama!

*Proverbs 31:28; Genesis 1:27; 1 Corinthians 15:58; Philippians 1:6; Ephesians 2:10

*I am having Coffee For Your Heart with my friend Holley Gerth

Write It Down

So it's the New Year, and that's what I'll write about, as many others have also.  I do think that there is significance in the calendar turning pages to a new year.  I do think God honors a new year.  I would go so far as to say that I think the new year was His idea first.  A new year is refreshing.  And not because it is chock-full of resolutions, but because it is a chance to wipe the slate clean and start anew...at least in some respects.  

I gave up New Year's Resolutions a few years ago.  What I have done instead, over the past few years, is choose a particular bible verse or passage as my focus for the year.  Usually the scripture is closely related to something that has been on my heart in approaching the new year.  Sometimes I feel it is directly given to me by God.  Either way, I love this focus so much more than the typical resolutions I have previously chosen.  I might also have some personal goals, family goals, or plans for the coming year.  That is all well and good.  Overall, choosing a biblical scripture or passage to make my primary focus for the new year has been particularly helpful to me.  

My heart has been moved on many specific levels and in much greater intensity toward prayer over the last year, in particular.  There are many different types of prayer and ways to approach prayer and I do not claim to be an expert on this, nor am I attempting to write a dissertation on prayer, so I won't delve very specifically.  I will only say that God impresses upon my heart more and more each day, how important prayer should be in my life and in my home.  I don't take it lightly--this privilege to commune with God-- and if I say I will pray for a friend or family member, I won't rest until I do.  That being said, one of my primary focuses for this new year is prayer.

Hand in hand with that is: trusting fully in God, letting peace reign in my heart and mind, and remaining in an active position of giving thanks.  Again, no expert.  Many days I fail miserably at all of these.  And most days, I fail in at least one of these areas.  But God never stops reminding me that this is what He wants of me.  So, the scripture that rests well in my heart for this new year is 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:6,7 

I also believe it is important to write down the visions and goals God has for us and for our family.  There really is something significant that happens when we record vision in words.  It helps to look at what has been written and remind ourselves of a particular focus, on good days and bad.  

I received the best Christmas present several days after Christmas.  I have an ongoing list of things I would love to have for my home.  Some feel like dreams and others are completely possible, when the budget allows.  I have wanted a chalkboard forever!  We have this old, untrimmed door that serves as a pass way between our kitchen and what we call the "backroom" that leads to our laundry room.  This backroom was built very poorly, and surely won't remain as is; but for the time being, it's there....and I'm glad there is a door so I don't have to look at it.  I've wanted a chalkboard for that door, on which to write chores and encouraging notes, quotes, or scriptures.  I have not been able to find just the right one.  My husband had the kids with him at Lowe's and I asked him to look for a chalkboard.  Nope, he couldn't find one there but he did one better(although I'd never have imagined how much I love it):  he bought chalkboard paint!  I know, I know, it's been around for years.  I just never thought I'd like it.  I love it!  We painted the entire door.  And no, it's still not trimmed, and it still leads to a room I don't love, but this is a place my eye absolutely loves to wander!  And it is the perfect spot for my verse of 2015.  

So, Happy New Year.  And even if and when it is not so happy, don't neglect writing down what you feel is most important for the coming year.  And please don't neglect reading and reminding yourself of what God has for you and your family.  I believe He has good plans for us; the Bible tells us so!  May 2015 be a year of love, peace, hope, generosity, service, fulfillment, commitment, health, and joy!

I'm having Coffee For Your Heart with my friend Holley Gerth

God Is With Them

Well it's not an afternoon cup of coffee today, but a morning cup of coffee--an early morning cup of coffee!  I've been up for quite some time and throughout the night.  Not altogether abnormal, as I do have a baby who is still nursing.  However, my heart and mind have been heavy with something my oldest son is going through.  

I have prayed for him.  My husband has prayed for him.  We have both prayed with him.  We have talked with him separately and together.  We have talked to each other about this particular issue.  I have talked with an adult who can help, to an extent.  Really, at this point, there is nothing else to be done.  But as I sat with my steaming cup of strong black (okay, not so strong...it is still decaf) cup of coffee earlier, I realized what I want for my son more than anything in this situation:  I want him to know and feel, with certainty, that God is with Him.  Isn't that just it?  No matter what I'm going through, big or small, tragic or trivial, I want to know that God is with me!  And if I know and can feel that His presence is with me, I am okay!  I know that everything will eventually be okay.

We cannot, as parents, interject ourselves into every situation our child deals with.  We cannot come to their rescue at every difficult moment.  No matter how much we may want to, we cannot possibly shelter them from every tough battle they go through.  We can and should seek God for wisdom, help, and protection.  But at some point, we have to be willing to turn them over completely to God's care.  He is the only one who can be with them at all times.  No, He doesn't always keep them from problems and difficult circumstances, but He will be with them.  That is the one truth that I want each of my children to know with complete certainty.  I want them to know that God is with them.  

So, as I take another sip of my semi-strong black cup of coffee, I am encouraging myself with these promises from God's word.  I'd like to encourage you as well.  These are the promises that I'm praying over my son as he faces another day.  These are the promises I want my youngest daughter to know as she cries "but I'm gonna miss you!" again while heading out to the bus.  These are the promises I want my oldest daughter to know as she musters the courage to ride bare-back at horse riding lessons for the first time.  These are the promises that I want each of my children to know, deep in their soul...

"Yes, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4 

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 

"...And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:20 

"Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 

*I am having Coffee For Your Heart with my friend Holley Gerth today.

Gramma Peanut's Path

Last week was Thanksgiving, and oh so much to be thankful for.  But last week was also when we said goodbye to my husband's paternal grandmother.  I loved this woman so dearly.  Growing up, we didn't live close to either of my grandmothers, except for a few early years, so the relationship I've had with my husband's grandma--Gramma Peanut the kids called her--felt like a personal gift from God.  She always called me Steph, which to me, demonstrated her love for me.

A visit with Gramma Peanut after our annual Apple Orchard trip in Fall 2013

During her funeral service, one of Ron's cousins showed a video that was a compilation of pictures of Gramma and Grandpa, along with the story of their courtship and early family years, told by Gramma.  This was to be a video gift to this cousin's father for Christmas; it turned out to be a gift for the entire family.  It was so touching to hear her voice again.  Gramma was known for saying some of the same phrases repeatedly, and the entire room chuckled when one of them was said during the video.  One of those phrases was "Right hand to God!"  She loved God and prayed daily, but she always felt the need to clarify for us when she was being as honest and candid as she could possibly be.  The other phrase I heard from her, probably every single time I visited with her was, "God put me on this earth to have babies."  This always rang true when she said it--and she often said it to me--because I think that was one of the intimate connections we had.  She would tell me what a good mom I was and what a good dad my husband was, each time we visited.  Her family meant everything to her!  One of the last quotes in the video was "God put me on this earth to have babies", and right hand to God, she fulfilled her purpose and walked that path.

I've spent much of my adult life seeking to know--to fully understand--the purpose for which God put me on this earth.  So often I think I get carried away with making it deeper than it really is.  I had a lightening bolt revelation the night after Gramma's funeral, thinking about purpose.  My life verse, that I cling to regularly is:  

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all of your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5,6

I was thinking about Gramma's heartfelt declaration that she was put on this earth by God to have babies.  She believed with all of her heart that her greatest purpose was to be a mama.  That was reflected in how she lived her life from the early years of her marriage, and I believe all who knew her would agree.  If you were to seek to know what path her life took, you would see that she followed down the path of being a loving, involved, and possibly doting mama.  She was that kind of grandma and great-grandma as well.  Her path was clear to all who knew her:  being a wife and mama was number one.  Her path was her purpose.  Eureka!  There it is!  This is what God showed me:  it is the same thing!  Right away I thought of my life verse, and realized just how simple it is to know what God's purpose for my life is.  And without a doubt, it will be revealed to me as I continue on my journey with Him, day after day after day!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all of your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your purpose straight.* (He will make your purpose clear!)

Friends, we all have a very unique, hand-crafted by God, purpose on this planet.  Mine is mine alone.  Yours is yours to walk.   There very well may be some similarities in our paths, but none of our paths will look exactly the same.  So be encouraged!  You have absolutely no one to compete with and no one to keep up with!  Really.  You don't.  You have only your path to walk.  You have only your purpose to fulfill.  That is God's perfect design.  And don't spin your wheels making it more difficult than it needs to be.  Gramma Peanut had it figured out...and so can you!  Just trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all of your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5,6

*word changed for emphasis
**I am having Coffee For Your Heart with my friend Holley Gerth today