You see, I really enjoy doing good; doing good towards other people and demonstrating God's love in all ways that I see I can. However, I have a tendency to lose heart. I have a tendency to become weary. In small ways and in big ways, I can become disheartened, impatient, or just plain weary. I know full well that I am not alone, but most of us do not wish to admit this to our peers.
Just this morning I had a very small experience that was a perfect opportunity for me to "not lose heart." I drove to a local store with my daughters for some bagels and smoothies (we like to get smoothies when it's just us girls). I approached the drive-thru lane and saw that many cars were ahead, although most were approaching the lane through an alternate route, as opposed to the correct drive-thru lane. I've done this myself occasionally, but I wait my turn if others are in line the correct way. Anyway, several cars were in front of me (the alternate way) but I would wait patiently. Meanwhile, another car approached the drive-thru lane through the alternate route clearly several minutes after I'd sat in line. I can't give you an accurate picture of the set-up, but without me gunning it when it was my turn, I stood no chance of getting in front of this car....approaching the wrong way! To my amazement, the person driving this car refused to even look my way; he got right in front of me! Now I would wait longer! I really struggled not to feel angry. Okay, scratch that....I felt angry! I try to always let others in front of me in line, whether in car or on foot. At the grocery store, if I see the person behind me has only a few items (or a baby with them), I give them my spot in line. To my knowledge and best recollection, I always seek to prefer others above myself in these situations--common courtesy, right? This morning's incident really amazed me! How often I find that what I sow is not what I get in return!
Again, I am well aware I'm not alone in these feelings. I am human! I have even found myself, at rare moments, feeling this way as a mom. Yesterday was the first time I'd ever heard myself saying, in my children's hearing, "Why am I the only one who picks up around here?" Now, this isn't even a true statement, but at times I sure do feel that way. I'm also fully aware that if I'm feeling this way, it's my responsibility as a mom to revisit how much help I'm expecting from my children. Maybe in the clean-up department...not enough! Nevertheless, I have found myself at times feeling as though I am serving, serving, serving, yet no one is looking out for me! Ever felt that way?
Another very personal example (let me once again be vulnerable) is in the area of talents, vision, and realized dreams. I am so often the first to encourage others' dreams and goals. I may not have much else to offer them, but I can be a friend's biggest cheerleader. When a friend starts a small business or creative venture, I encourage and cheer her along as loudly as I can. I find myself weeping with joy as I watch people I know open businesses, publish books, begin ministries, record music projects, buy homes, or land their dream jobs. I rejoice with others who are realizing their dreams and potential! I genuinely feel happy for them! And, if I can offer any further support, I will. I'm not saying any of this to my credit; I think we should all celebrate with others who do well!
However, occasionally I find myself wondering when my moment or special opportunity will come. Do you know what I mean? My husband and I have been wanting to move now for 4 years. 4 years of praying, looking, preparing, waiting, sowing, praying, preparing, waiting, looking....and more praying and waiting! I really don't want to lose heart! I am genuinely happy for others who have their moment arrive. But what about me? I am often the first to purchase books written by people I know. I cheer them on as best as I can. I celebrate their wonderful accomplishments. But, every now and then I find myself wondering when I will accomplish this particular dream myself. I hesitate to admit that because what if it's years before this happens? Does all of this make me sound like a whiny child? It just may! I find myself thinking, as I write this, that it sounds like the ramblings of a selfish, complaining individual. Well, this is probably true also. I am human. Therefore, I fall short all too often! All too often! I focus on me way too many times! I fall into the trap of comparison more times than I care to admit. Maybe you're embarrassed for me as you read this. Or...maybe you can relate.
My guess--though I could be wrong--is that I am not alone in these feelings. Maybe your situation isn't quite the same, but I think most of us have had times when we wonder if we will ever reap what we sow. We celebrate with the accomplishments of others, only to question when we'll accomplish anything worth celebrating. We do our best to be patient, wondering if it will ever truly pay off. We diligently aim to raise our children with consistent expectations, love, and discipline, wondering if we'll ever get through an entire family gathering without an incident that highlights our obvious failures as parents. Whether or not you care to admit ever being in this place, I believe it is human. I also think that is why God's word tells us to "not become weary in doing good." "We will reap a harvest if we do not give up!" I believe this! I cling to this promise and to this truth, which is why I said it has been a lifeline for me. When I find that I'm tempted to give up, or when I realize that I have grown weary, I remind myself of this truth. The other encouragement to me is that God sees! He sees my heart and He sees my efforts. He sees my weaknesses and He has given me the strengths that others may see. I can take no credit. Apart from Him, I am nothing! And, if I never felt weak or weary, I would not likely look to Him for strength or encouragement. I'm thankful for those times when I am growing weary or when I feel discouraged, because that is when I am reminded that only He can fill those deep voids. Only He can offer me true, deep, and lasting strength and encouragement!
Oh Stephanie, I can entirely relate to this Blog! It is indeed not to feel discouraged or grow weary in our waiting on the Lord's promises to us. But, I was reminded today, and now I remind you, that you have already had a HUGE Dream fulfilled - your family! God saw your heart and gave you Ron, and then he saw your heart again and gave you Jaden, Luke, Ella and Tessa. Your cup has indeed run over. And even though your house is small and your family could definitely use more room - that house is a very warm HOME, filled with an abundance of LOVE! God sees your heart honey, and he will give you the desires of your heart. I love you, Mom
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