Looking For the Smiles

Feeling very fulfilled and content creating precious memories with our children.  I'm focusing on remaining content in all things.  This is good.  Really good.  Circumstances cause me to look up, look down, look around, seek, seek, and seek; they're not altogether bad, constantly changing, because once I seek, I find.  I find Him.  I find the One, the only one, in whom my soul rests.  Once I find Him--as I always do when I seek--I am fully reminded to rest in Him.  To be content.  To remain content.  In contentment is the peace which my soul desperately craves.  I crave this peace more than I crave any other thing in my life!  I crave peace as my body craves water.  And I have found...I am finding, again and again that peace, true peace, is found in contentment.

Living this truth is key because I know that my children are watching me more than they are listening to me.  (Often I wonder if they're ever listening to me.)  But, do you know what I mean?  The way that I live my life and walk in contentment and peace...or not, is what they get more than what I say to them.  I have to keep this truth in the forefront, because I want my children to live life in peace more than anything else.  Just as the apostle Paul said, whether they abound or are abased (Philippians 4:12), I want them to live life content; this brings about true peace. 

Today is a perfect opportunity.  My husband and I finally have a date night planned.  They are few and far between so we are ecstatic when one is on the calendar!  My 7 year old woke up complaining of a headache.  I gave him medicine, prayed with him, and sent him on his way to school.  I had a very strong suspicion that the school would be calling me by lunch time, at the latest.  Just had a feeling.  Sure enough, I got off the phone with my older brother mid-morning and there was a call from my son's school.  So, I pouted for a minute.  Then, I packed up my 3 year old and drove to get my son.  He had a low grade fever.  I sent a message to my friend, who had so graciously offered to watch my children.  I let my husband know what was going on.  I pouted just a bit more.  Then I began to seek.  Why, darn it?  Well...why not?  Life is life...and sometimes it's unfair!  But, you know what else I found?  Contentment.  Peace.  I watched our new chicks for a while...and they made me smile.  I looked around my beautiful living room (beautiful in my eyes as we're still renovating and it's been a long journey).  I smiled.  I breathed.  I listened to my son talk to his sister with kindness.  I relaxed.  It's okay.  He may feel better after resting, and we may still get to go.  Or, he may not and the date will be off.  Either way, I'm okay.  I'm fully content and enjoying this day.  I am at peace.  My soul is at rest.  

So, this peace is truly what I want my children to catch, if they don't get anything else from me.  This is my prayer for them.  Am I always at peace?  No way!  But, this is my prayer for myself too.  And I'm learning.  I'm growing.  I'm seeing God work His peace in me as a master craftsman.  He is perfectly able to finish all of the good works that He has begun in me.  I will continue to look for places to smile.  I will continue to thoroughly enjoy creating memories--and opportunities for memories--with my children.  Some of the things making us all smile recently are our 8 new baby chicks.  They are darling.  And yes, I know that they grow up!  We are so excited about this new chapter in our new country life!  Loving the moments.  Loving the days.  Looking for the smiles.  Learning to remain content.  Learning to live in peace.  

Too Much is Not Enough

Remember having a pen pal?  I do.  In fact, I remember having many pen pals throughout my childhood and young adulthood.  Now, not so much.  What seems to have taken the place of something like pen pals is something like emails, texts, and social media outlets.  Believe me, I am all for these advancements.  I email; I text often; and I have used social media regularly.  There is nothing, in my opinion, inherently wrong with any of these mediums for connection.

I do use the word "connection" hesitantly however, because I have had a slight change of heart.  Or, maybe it's just my perception that has changed.  Either way, I have begun to wonder if there is much of a genuine connection that takes place via emails, texts, and social media.  Up until approximately 4 months ago, I used social media regularly to connect with friends, family, and acquaintances.  I really enjoyed it!  Circumstances caused me to make a decision to deactivate my social media account.  At first I felt very disconnected!  I missed seeing pictures, fun quotes, interesting status posts, and my friends' check-ins.  But before long I realized that in the innermost makeup of who I am, I wasn't missing anything at all (in terms of feeling connected with people who I care about).

Fast forward 4 months and I am doubtful that I will re-connect in this particular way any time soon.  Again, nothing at all wrong with social media; it can be a whole lot of fun.  But, it can also be a waste of time.  It can be a source of hurt.  It can allude a false sense of identity.  And it can sure be a false sense of community...or if you will, connection!

Please understand that I am not on an anti-social media rant nor am I suggesting that anyone who participates is falling prey to what I specifically pinpointed.  But for me, I saw most of this at play in my own life or those with whom I was connected.  You know, the perfect marriage online....but have dinner with them and it's a completely different couple.  Or, the constant bragging about all the do-gooding in one's family or children, while failing to consider the feelings of some who think they'll never measure up.  I've been a part of entire meal-time discussions about something posted on a person's social profile page.  Had circumstances not prompted me to bow out, I would probably still be an active participant.  But not having this as a part of my life has been nothing short of a refreshing change of pace, if not a blessing.  (Again, this is just me!)

What most of us crave is real connection--person to person.  I text friends and family frequently (and honestly, 9 times out of 10 it's just easier than a phone conversation).  But, I am refreshed and affirmed after a coffee date with a friend, like the one I recently enjoyed.  I appreciate the short and sweet messages my husband sends me, but what I really crave is some face to face time with him (I'm talking about conversation....mostly!).  I enjoy reading and sending a nice email, but how much more special I feel to open or send a card in the mail.  Snail mail, yes!  That's what I'm referring to!  I love it!  Writing notes, letters, and cards is one of my things--always has been!  And personally, I've found that one is much more deliberate this way than when the "send" or "post" button is pushed.  And boy, can buttons easily be pushed!  I've been the recipient and I've been the perpetrator.  Yes I have. 

I was having a phone conversation with one of my lifelong friends, who unfortunately lives thousands of miles away from me.  She too, has recently taken a leave of absence from the social media world.  She echoed everything I was expressing in relation to that decision.  She is the one who used the term deliberate.  She wanted to become more deliberate in her relationships.  So do I!  So do I.  When I think of a friend or family member and send that card, or make that phone call, or even when I send that text...I want it to mean something.  I don't want it to be haphazard or careless. 

You know, when you see 60+ "likes" on a post or a picture, it's very easy to fool yourself into thinking that 60 some people genuinely care.  When in reality, what happens in life...is what's real!  Go through a life-altering circumstance or an extremely difficult transition and observe who is by your side.  Most of us, if we're honest, are pretty darn lucky to have 6 people genuinely care, check in, bring a meal or dessert, pray with us, cry with us, celebrate with us, or break bread with us!  And that is not a bad thing!  It's a very real thing.  We can be fooled into thinking we are surrounded by swarms of people who love us, care about us, and are cheering for us...but when the rubber meets the road we see who is really there...walking this life road with us!  That's where the blessing is!

There is a bible verse that refers to throwing pearls before swine.  It is not my intention to take that verse out of its context, but the general idea of deliberate relationships can be similar.  We only have so many hours in a day.  We only have so much emotional energy.  We only have so much to give.  As is the same for those around us.  How realistic is it to think that our 500 online friends are really our friends?  Or even 50 for that matter?  And why would we continue to pursue relationships that are rarely--if ever--reciprocated?  We can either invest in those few meaningful relationships or we can spread ourselves thin...and possibly miss out on enjoying rich, meaningful fellowship or connection.  Most of us have looked at the life of Jesus, who had the multitudes, the crowds, the disciples, the 3, and the 1 close friend.  This is a very real picture.  And I repeat what I said before:  social media is a fun use of time, but we were created for nothing short of real life connection. 

Sometimes there is just too much noise in our lives!  Too much.  Too many distractions.  Too many obligations.  Too many scheduling conflicts.  Too many business ventures.  Too many after-school activities.  Too many toys.  Too many clothes.  Too many shoes.  (Well....maybe not that necessarily!)  Too many posts.  Too many people constantly around us.  Too much noise.  Not enough life.  Ironic?  I don't think so.  How many times did Jesus deliberately leave the multitudes and the chaos?  How many times did he steal away to be quiet?  To pray? 

And on the heels of that, if I may:  real life and growth most often occurs in the stillness and the deliberate quiet.  How else can we hear what God's still small voice is whispering to us?  I read a wonderful passage in a beautiful book recently.  The book is Hinds' Feet on High Places:  it is the story of Much-Afraid making the journey to the high places with the Shepherd's guidance.  Toward the beginning of Much-Afraid's journey, the Shepherd explains to her why it's necessary for this journey to the very highest places to be one made in quiet and solitude--not before the eyes of beholders. 

All the fairest beauties in the human soul, its greatest victories, and its most splendid achievements are always those which no one else knows anything about, or can only dimly guess at.  Every inner response of the human heart to Love and every conquest over self-love is a new flower on the tree of Love.  Many a quiet, ordinary, and hidden life, unknown to the world, is a veritable garden in which Love's flowers and fruits have come to such perfection that it is a place of delight where the King of Love himself walks and rejoices with his friends.  Some of my servants have indeed won great visible victories and are rightly loved and reverenced by other men, but always their greatest victories are like the wild flowers, those which no one knows about.

That last paragraph may read like a diversion from my main topic, but it really is not.  When we are deliberate with our time and relationships, we can enjoy the kind of connection that God intended for us all.  When we deliberately separate ourselves enough from the noise of this world we live in, we can even ascend to more meaningful places in our personal lives,  in our relationships, and primarily--and most importantly--in our relationship with God.  When we make a deliberate decision to say no to too much, we are giving ourselves the space and permission to grow; the energy to enjoy our most precious relationships; and the strength to enrich our life's journey.  Simply put, too much is just...not enough.

*quote from Hinds' Feet on High Places, Hannah Hurnard

That Could Be Us

Recently my family and I were visiting with a friend.  She was telling us of a recent furnace problem.  We were telling her about having to replace 3 things in my husband's truck--3 weeks in a row; having to re-route our laundry room drain that was backing up; having to thaw a frozen pipe in the laundry room; and having to replace a breaker that was bad.  I mean to tell ya, sometimes like the past few weeks, I wonder when we will get a break!  Thankfully my husband is handy!  But, he is also one person with limited time...and we are one family with limited income.  My friend had commented about the several hundred dollars they paid their furnace guy.  No household problems are welcome, are they?  They are always inconvenient.

A day later my husband and I were talking about our busy few weeks of fixing things as well as his busy schedule completing a job outside of his regular schedule.  I brought up the discussion of my friend's furnace and commented that our problem isn't simply the frustration of things breaking down or needing replaced, but also the cost.  For some, it's inconvenient but the cost isn't too big of a factor.  For us, it's inconvenient and the cost can often be another setback.  You know, you save and pay off debt only to have something happen...one step forward, two steps back!  I began the "woe is me" rant.  "All I want is a date!  You know, one where we can go do what we choose?"  "I want to see our savings build, rather than being depleted over and over and over."  "I want to visit my dear friend who lives thousands of miles away."  On and on it went until I sighed and said, "Some people just don't know how blessed they are."  My husband looked at me very seriously and said, "You know?  That could be us...we may not realize how blessed we are."

Ahh...he was certainly right!  Admittedly I wasn't in the mood to hear it or agree at that moment.  I was still playing the pity card.  I was doing a good job at it.  In fact, even after his revealing reflection, I was still immersed in self-pity.  We can stay in that funk just as long as we choose to!  And sometimes others around us will even agree that we are due for a break!  But, I couldn't (and I can't) admit that my husband wasn't right, darn it!  We have a very happy, healthy marriage and we have 4 beautiful, smart, creative, and fun children.  And even if it doesn't look like it just yet, we have our dream home (well, we will after we replace the windows, put doors on all the rooms, finish the drywall upstairs, and a million other things...)!  We have a space in the country that we love.  Our kids are now attending a wonderful school with teachers and administrators we trust.  And, we have found a church home where we are so happy and at peace--a church of integrity with goals and a vision in which we wholeheartedly agree.  Life is good!  We are truly a blessed family.  

Any mom or dad reading this could write his or her own similar story.  It is so tempting--and so easy--to fall into the trap of self-pity.  We all have circumstances that we wish could be different.  We can focus on those all we want.  We can drown ourselves in self-pity if we so choose.  And boy doesn't that feel good?  No, it does not!  Never.  But, if we change our perspective and count our blessings, we see things so clearly.  And honestly, I wouldn't want to be on the other side of our circumstances if it meant that God wasn't in control.  There is a reason for every circumstance in which we find ourselves.  Who can put a price-tag on the love, joy, and peace we feel in our marriage and family?  Sometimes we need someone to look us in the face, in the midst of our personal pity party, and remind us that we may not realize how blessed we truly are.  I suppose I should admit to my husband that he was right...  If I'm not careful--if I don't change my perspective and count my blessings--I may miss it!  I may not realize how blessed we truly are!

A Joyful and Loving Father

God is so purposeful in how He chooses to reveal His nature to us.  Recently I was reading a book in which the author described God as loving, joyful, and having a great sense of humor.  In that moment I had such an epiphany:  although I've previously said "amen" to those descriptors of God over the course of my life, that was not the God with whom I had walked.  (This, I now know was because of my view of Him, not because the descriptors were untrue.)  The God with whom I had walked was loving, yes.  But He was concerned--if not disappointed--in me.  He certainly was not looking at me through eyes of joy.  And although He may have often shaken His head at me because of my words or actions, He was not lovingly laughing with me.  That moment of realization was honest and raw for me, but it became even more so.  I closed my eyes and asked God to please, please reveal this part of His nature to me...personally.

From that moment it became almost comical what began to unfold.  We had one blessing after another. Some big.  Many small.  Each one significant.  I was thrilled with finally having in home wireless access for the same price we had been paying for our phone service alone.  Then, after three attempts (on my husband's part) we got a new van...well, new to us!  This van is better for us for many reasons and we are saving money!  We received a couple unexpected checks in the mail.  We are in the process of refinancing our rental property, which will in turn allow our profit to go from next to nothing--to three times that!  We received some insurance breaks as well as having one insurance bill completely canceled.  We received two unexpected gift cards in the mail for things we enjoy.  My husband has even had overtime opportunities on his job in a struggling economy.  (I am not insinuating that everything has been ideal, because we've had our share of plumbing issues over the past few months as well as other normal life setbacks.)  

One night I was thanking God for all of the recent blessings and I realized that God kept doing one thing after the next to prove Himself.  For us, it is very impacting that much of this has been in the area of finances....for more reasons than I can mention right now.  I started to wonder what would happen next--even if it was seemingly small--I knew God was answering a very specific prayer for me!  I suddenly had this picture of God smiling so big while He blessed us again and again.  In fact, I had a very real picture of God chuckling--getting a kick out of Himself!  Even when we experienced a very frustrating setback, God would turn around and prove Himself again!  The morning after I realized this I opened my inbox to find an email with the subject "you won!"  Seriously!  I had to laugh.  Again, I saw God chuckling:  happy with Himself...happy with me.  I won a giveaway from a blog writer whose writing I enjoy.  I was encouraged by her post the day before and simply wanted to tell her!  (As a fellow writer, I enjoy encouraging other writers!)  I had no idea she was doing a giveaway until after I submitted my comment.  So, to win one of the giveaways--no matter the prize--just made me smile.  

We went from wondering if we'd be able to buy our kids even one good present for Christmas--to having some creative ideas and being able to do some neat things for them.  We are never extravagant with them at Christmas, but it's so nice to put smiles on their faces.  Isn't that what God has been doing for us?  After work today, my husband informed me that he received a Christmas bonus!  This is especially significant because in the six Christmases he has been with this company, this is the very first one in which a bonus has been given...and it was a complete surprise to us!  Again, I see God chuckling!  I think He's just getting a kick out of revealing this part of Himself to me!  

Now, I am certainly not proposing that God will just start providing financial blessings abundantly to us simply because we ask if He's happy with us.  I had no idea that He would use this way to reveal His nature to me.  (We have been very purposeful and mindful in our giving during this holiday season as well because we believe that we are blessed to be a blessing.)  But, I had a very raw moment of honesty with God despite many, many years of loving Him, walking with Him, and believing that I knew His true nature.  This was definitely an area for me that despite the many nods of agreement, I didn't believe with complete conviction in my heart.  It wasn't personally true for me.  God chose to answer my heart's question at a most significant time in my life (but that's another story entirely).  By His love and grace, I am beginning to believe with absolute conviction of heart that God not only loves me, He is pleased with me.  He smiles and chuckles lovingly as I walk with Him--as I fumble and stumble, but desire to love, please, and reflect Him.  I am beginning to picture a loving God who isn't frowning at me in disapproval.  Rather, He is lovingly smiling at me.  And when I run into His arms, He chuckles warmly--just as my husband does when our children run into His.  He's a loving Father.  He is joyfully pleased with His children.  He is joyfully pleased with me!

Just Jump!

Long time no post!  Some breaks are refreshing, rewarding, and necessary.  Other breaks make you realize just how much you miss, love, and need that something in your life.  That's writing--and blogging in particular--for me.  My life has been in transition for months in more ways than one.  It's a good thing and I'm more thankful than I have words to express.  (That sounds strange, huh?)  Nevertheless, I'm ready to get back to this business of writing!

Recently I heard a message in regard to faith.  Often, making a decision of faith feels like standing on the edge of a cliff and knowing you just have to jump.  Wooey!  Scary thought, huh?  One thing I'd like to do someday is to parachute from a plane.  My husband thinks I'm nuts, but I'd really like to....with a guide, of course.  Parachuting, jumping, or propelling off the side of a cliff on my own...no way!!  However, this is often how we feel when we face certain areas in our life that require great faith, or as the pastor said, unusual faith.

Every now and then our faith has to be exercised in a most unusual or unexpected way.  We are often prompted to pray unusual prayers or reach out to unusual people.  What I'm learning is that the blessing is found--and our trust in God is deeply strengthened--when we take those leaps.  We must remind ourselves that it probably won't feel good at first.  It will most likely be scary.  In fact, sometimes it is so scary at first--or for a while--that we doubt ourselves.  We may question why we ever jumped in the first place.  We may question our instincts (and everything else about ourselves) during that first few hundred feet of free-falling.  During that time, we have absolutely no one and nothing to lean on or trust in but God.  He promises to catch us when we fall.  Yes.  But He is also the one who occasionally asks us...to jump.  Thankfully He's very patient because most of us stand there frozen in fear, or asking questions in which the answers aren't necessary, before we get up the courage to jump.  (The unknown can be so scary!)

I needed to jump back into my blog.  The dilemma I had faced with blogging over the last eight months is that we moved to a different community.  In doing this, we lost the ability to enjoy high speed internet through our local cable company.  The move and renovations alone have been pricey!  Every time I looked into new options for high speed internet, I became discouraged as it would cost us quite a bit more monthly than we had been paying.  We just have not had that extra wiggle room.  Without in-home internet, however, I have not had the ease of blogging the way I used to.  So...it was put on hold.

At church last Sunday, when the pastor encouraged us to envision our cliff, all I could think of was my writing aspirations.  So, I prayed a quiet, simple prayer:  Lord, somehow make a way for this again.  Shortly after we got our routine Sunday coffee treats, I realized that the calendar on my phone was completely wiped out...gone!  I use my calendar function more than anything else.  I keep track of our family schedule, my kids' school events, birthdays, anniversaries, everything!  My husband suggested we stop at the nearby Verizon store, but we had already stopped at the grocery store so I declined.  Shortly after we passed the street, I mentioned it again.  He turned around and said, "Let's just go see if we can have them look at it real quick."  No other customers were at the store.  After my husband was in the store for five minutes, he ran out to the car and told me he was going to get me "hooked up with some wireless at home!"  Sure enough, within minutes, we had a new plan for both of our phones and wireless at home for the exact price that we had been paying for our phone service alone!  Additionally, we will receive a small discount through my husband's employer since they use Verizon also!  Couldn't get my calendar fixed at that moment.  But, within an hour after saying a simple prayer for provision (based on a conviction that I needed to jump off a cliff...in faith), God had winked at me and made a way.  He does that often when we are open to it!

I'm learning to jump.  How about you?  I'm not certain that I'll soar gracefully at first--or at all!  I may cry to be caught.  I may land very awkwardly.  Or maybe I will think I can land on my own, but instead fall and experience some hurt.  I can trust that even then, He will be right there with me!  And, past leaps of faith have taught me that God will join me as soon as I decide to jump.  He will never leave nor forsake me!  The fantastic thing about jumping--or even declaring that it's time to jump--is that God starts sending little reminders that He's right with you.  He will give peace even in the unknown.  Much like a father watching his child climb the ladder to jump off the high-dive for the first time, He is so proud of us for trying.  He will love us no matter how we end up in the water...or how fearfully we jump off that cliff.  When we take unusual risks, He is right there with us.  This is the comforting, reassuring truth that I'm learning.  He will pave a way.  He will wink in approval.  He will quiet our soul as we lean in and just trust.  

Ever Feel Like You're Drowning?

If you met me at a social gathering or party, you would most likely think I'm a pretty happy, contented person...and I am.  I'd like to think that most of my friends and family think I'm a fun person to be around...and I usually am.  What people don't always know or see in me is the internal struggles.  I don't think that's all too strange.  I am pretty sure that we all have internal struggles whether or not they are ever revealed to another.  I remember hearing a good friend tell me that she was a "crier" and I was totally shocked; in all the years that we'd been friends, I had never seen her cry.  I heard a quote today on the radio, and although I missed the reference, the quote impacted me immediately and deeply:  "If you could see where your enemy weeps, he would no longer be your enemy."  Wow...tears even now as I type those words!  I guess this speaks volumes to me because deep down, we human beings are so alike.  We have feelings, needs, dreams, fears, challenges, insecurities, and struggles.  No matter how a person may come across in your presence, there is a place where he weeps.  


Now, I know that not every person reacts to life in the same way, but we all struggle in some capacity...don't we?  One of my deepest struggles is directly related to one of my deepest desires.  I don't think that is all too strange either.  I am choosing to reveal a part of me to anyone who reads this because I hope that it gives freedom and strength to someone else.  I think we strengthen others when we allow ourselves to be transparent...to be seen.  One of my deepest desires is to be a wonderful mom--not just a good mom, but a wonderful mom.  I have desired to be a wonderful mom for as long as I can even remember.  It's not that I have no other aspirations; I do!  But, this one stands so far above and in front of all the rest and it has all of my life!  I truly cannot remember a time in my life when I didn't dream of motherhood; I have always had a desire to raise children--to love, nurture, and teach them.  Well, what person who wants to be a doctor, lawyer, or teacher hopes to be just average?  We want to be really good at what we choose to do!  And, being a mom is not just something that I have chosen to do.  It's a part of who I am.  I don't clock out at the end of the day!  Heck, even if I tried to, someone would have a bad dream or throw up at midnight and that notion would be out the window!  I am a mom and I want to be an absolutely wonderful mom to my children.  I'm sure most moms reading this are saying, "Me too!".  


So what is the struggle?  What's the problem?  The struggle for me is that I continually feel the burden and heaviness of the realization that I am not a wonderful mom.  At best, I am a good mom...sometimes.  I am not sharing this for pity or sympathy.  I am simply sharing this because it's my internal struggle--probably one of my deepest internal struggles.  I don't go to bed nightly crying about my failures, but at times, I am unable to shake them off.  I am my own worst critic.  I am a deep thinker and a very deep feeler.  I've often wondered what specific purpose God had in mind when He made me so sensitive and emotional.  I hope I understand that in time.  Every now and then, I get a glimpse, but the rest of the time it just feels like a thorn in my side.  I take so much to heart:  I weigh every word, examine every expression.  I take it all to God, but oh so often I take it right back from Him.  


One of the biggest battles for me to overcome is that I judge my own success as a mom on how I see my kids behaving and how I think other people perceive me as a mom.  I know, I know...we should not do this!  I fully know how wrong this is on so many levels, but this is my battle!  It happens inside of me without my conscious knowledge sometimes.  I find my emotions stirring so strongly in a negative direction and wonder what happened.  When I take time to reflect, I might recall a brief comment made by someone about my child's words or actions...or my discipline...or lack thereof.  I feel criticized.  I judge myself and determine that I'm guilty of being a poor, average, or (on a good day) good mom....but certainly not a wonderful mom.  And those negative traits that my children have, all too often I feel that they are solely my fault.


When I am thinking rationally, when my emotions are in tact, I fully understand that they are children and that they are walking out this life with very young eyes, hearts, and minds.  They're learning things for the first time.  I realize this and am okay with this.  I just wish I could silence all of my enemies.  What I mean is that I wish others' words and opinions about me and my children didn't carry so much weight with me!  People will always have opinions about my children, my parenting, and how we run our home.  I don't want another person's perception of my children or my parenting to cause me undue stress.  When a family member mutters under her breath that my son has had to be corrected 100 times, I want to consider the source rather than to feel hurt.  I want to take it lightly rather than to feel criticized.  I also want to learn from situations that which God wants me to learn.  I don't want to draw my own conclusions.


I had a meaningful conversation recently with a mom who I adore and respect wholeheartedly.  Her children are older than mine so she has experiences and wisdom from which I can glean.  She referenced the days when her children were toddlers and said, "I so often felt like I was drowning."  When she said those words, I had such peace on the inside of me.  Strange, huh?  Here's why:  I have told my husband those exact words several times over the past year, especially while home schooling my two sons.  I have cried out to God in the middle of the day or in the midnight hour, "God, I feel like I am drowning!"  I look around at so many friends, family members, and acquaintances who all seem to be doing so much better than me at this job of being a wonderful mom.  Some of them just take everything in stride and never let ya see them sweat.  Some have the most gentle, kind, thoughtful, well-mannered kids.  Some are so creative and resourceful and full of wisdom that it takes my breath away.  Then there's me.  I am trying, and yet...sometimes I feel like I'm drowning.  I feel like I mess up so often that it's all I can do to keep my head above water, just enough, as my friend said, "to reach for Jesus."  Well, to hear someone who I respect so immensely, who is a fantastic mom, say that she felt as I so often feel...brought peace to my soul.


At least I can see Him!  I know who to grab for!  I'm thankful that I can see Him.  And, I may never be or feel like a wonderful mom, but I will never stop trying.  Neither will I ever cease reaching for the only one who can lift me up out of every pit, out of every raging sea.  Sometimes He doesn't lift us up as fast as we wish He would.  Sometimes, for reasons that I often do not understand, He allows us to deeply feel wounds and to experience regret or criticism.  He often allows our failures and weaknesses to be magnified.  If we always felt confident and sure, then we may never reach for Him.  If we think we can do this thing on our own, then we might miss out on His plan and His help.  I don't want to miss out on His help for me as a mom or on His plan for my children's lives.  So, if I must feel weak, then in weakness I'll seek Him.  If I must struggle, then in struggle I'll look for Him.  If I must sometimes feel like I'm drowning, then in drowning I'll reach for His hand.  And in His time, He will pull me up!

Not Losing--I'm Gaining!

My husband and I were having a heart-to-heart talk during a long car drive back from visiting family in Cincinnati recently.  I was confiding in him how I felt about this past year of home schooling my two boys.  It has been a really difficult school year for me.  I hesitate to even admit that because there are some aspects of home school that I absolutely love.  I am certain that I will greatly miss the parts that I love.  We are moving very soon and will finally be in a great school district.  Currently, I have one who attends preschool three mornings a week and three children at home with me all the time.  The plan is that we will send the children to public school.  So, next school year I will suddenly have three children attending school during the day and only one at home with me.


There have been numerous challenges for me home schooling my boys this year.  I suppose the  biggest challenges have been in finding balance and exercising patience.  They go hand in hand.  When I have struggled to find balance between school-time and mom-time, I sometimes become impatient.  When circumstances have made it completely impossible for me to accomplish anything besides sitting at the table with my boys the entire morning, I feel impatient with those circumstances.  When it seems unlikely that I can devote any time and attention to my daughters or to other responsibilities, I become impatient.  Once I recognize my impatience, I struggle with discouragement.  I feel discouraged because I want to do better.  I feel discouraged because I believe that I should do better.  Mostly, I become discouraged wondering if I've done more harm than good.


On the good days, I know that much has been learned and accomplished.  On the good days, I see what a good reader my kindergarten son has become with my help, day after day.  On the good days, I see that my second grader can get through several pages of multiplication and fractions without ending in tears.  On the good days, we have a nice time reading the Bible around the breakfast table...and everyone wants to listen!  On the good days, my girls play nicely and stay occupied the entire time we are busy with school work.  On the good days, I have at least 15 minutes after we are finished with our afternoon reading and before my girls wake up from naps.  On the good days, my girls actually take naps!  On the good days, I can change out of workout clothes and shower before 11 in the morning!  Ah, but sometimes it seems as if the good days are few and far between.


I have spent time feeling sorry for myself.  I have spent time wishing I had a different daily routine.  I have spent time feeling sad because I haven't had the kind of play-time with my young girls as I would have liked to have this year.  I have felt sad that I have missed out on other opportunities due to our schedule.  I have felt frustrated that, at times, I have had to be a strict school teacher to my boys...and not just a mom!  During our heart-to-heart chat, I was telling my husband all of this, although he has already known how I felt about this year.  I suppose that my prevailing tone was how many things I felt that I had lost or missed out on due to our decision for me to home school, as well as not feeling very graced to do it.  My husband then gently said to me, "But look at all that you have gained."  


Wow!  How truly distorted my view can be at times!  I have never considered myself a glass-half-empty gal, but in this scenario I guess I had become just that!  I was even feeling sorry for myself that I would have to adjust to just one child at home next year rather than continually being thankful that my kids will have a great school to attend.  I realized during our conversation how desperately I needed to flip the switch on my outlook!  I needed to go from feeling sorry for myself to feeling ever thankful for the extra time and opportunities I have had with my children.  I wish that I was someone who felt a strong love for and desire to home school my children until graduation...but that is not me.  I am convinced that I don't have this desire because it is not God's intention for our children and family specifically.  I think God has other plans for us and I'm excited about that!  But, how blessed I have been these last two years to have my children with me most of the time.  God has given me the grace and has provided for us every day despite how I feel!  He has provided resources and has given me something to be thankful for each and every day of this journey!  My boys have learned and grown!  My girls have developed a pretty close friendship with each other while spending so much time together.  I have been able to enjoy some relaxing moments around the breakfast and lunch table with ALL of my children.  I have seen many times when my older son has helped my younger son with some learning process.  We've read some pretty great books together; we have learned and grown together!  


I am realizing that this is how life is.  Most of us have heard it said--have learned and re-learned--that our outlook makes or breaks us!  But in certain situations, it really can be difficult or seemingly impossible to maintain the right outlook even when we know that's what we need.  For instance, I have been attempting to write this for the past two and a half hours; I have had more interruptions than I care to mention.  However, during most of the time I've been writing, my kids have been playing games together:  indoor soccer (feel free to gasp!), musical chairs, button-button, and indoor hurdles (that one was pretty hilarious...until Luke got hurt).  None of these games have been without occasional disagreements, but my kids are playing together by choice!  I never said they needed to play together.  I realize that I could have children who would be happier in their separate areas of the house playing video games solo.  I realize that I could have two boys who come home from school with homework that usurps most of the afternoon hours.  Instead, even amidst the bickering and distractions, I am happy to see my children playing together.  And, I'm thankful that I have a computer which allows me to easily compose my thoughts.  Heck, I'm thankful that I can still compose coherent thoughts with four children between the ages of 2 and 8 in my house!  I have so much to be thankful for!  Sometimes, we just need someone to remind us of what we are gaining rather than what we feel we are losing!