Resting in One Who Cares For Me

Every now and then it feels as if my world is shaking...a bit more than I'm used to...or comfortable with. My mind may feel restless, my thoughts erratic, my emotions close to the skin. When this is the case, the everyday dealings can even feel overwhelming. A situation earlier today will bear witness to this. I had to pick up my 5 yr. old from morning preschool. He had gotten a bump on his lip from an accidental fall. And, as soon as I arrived he started asking, no begging, for his friend Emily to come home with us. I already knew I had to run to the store for a few things and it was simply too last minute, so I said "no." Luke began pleading, then crying. I realize he was mostly tired (from a later bedtime than normal) and a bit shaken from his earlier accident. I escorted him out of the school and he became more and more upset and resistant. As he got into the car he swung his school bag (thankfully mostly empty) at his sister on the way back to his seat...simply because he was upset.

If that wasn't enough, my baby was extra tired and fussy since she avoided a morning nap. I still had to get gas (as I was on empty), and pick up a few things at the store; later there would be soccer practice and a birthday party. I still had some school work to complete with my oldest, who was continuing to remind me of the Boba Fett costume he so desperately wants for Halloween (which costs more than I care to spend). Ella was upset over Luke's actions, and complaining of a bit of a belly ache. As I pumped gas into my car, feeling the cool autumn air, I spoke a soft prayer: Lord, please help me at the store. I realize that this could be a disaster. So much could go wrong with each of my kids. I need your help even to go to the store. I need your help in something this menial. I really cannot do this today...without you! My eyes welled up with tears. I really needed help from my Helper to do something so simple as shop for a few minutes with my children.

We got through our shopping experience without a hitch. I was thankful and relieved! Earlier, while my kids were resting, I opened my Bible to seek and write down a few scriptures related to encouragement for raising my children. Here is what I found:

Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him. Psalm 37:7

I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me, and heard my cry. Psalm 40:1

My soul, wait in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I shall not be shaken. On God my salvation and my glory rest; the rock of my strength, my refuge is in God. Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us. Psalm 62: 5-8

Truthfully, these are not the kinds of scriptures I thought I would be reading. I was surprised that this is what God revealed to me. But it made sense--so much sense--for so many reasons! God is concerned with everything that concerns me. He heard that prayer I sincerely uttered as I pumped gas. And He is aware of all that is unsettled in my mind and my heart. He knows about my world. He knows what concerns me yesterday, tomorrow, and right this very minute. I am so comforted to be reminded that He cares for me; He cares for us. I am choosing today to rest: to quiet the thoughts, feelings, questions, and concerns inside me. I will just hope in Him. I will wait for God to do what He sees fit to do. And I will never, ever cease bringing my cares to Him!

The Tough Words

It never ceases to amaze me that when I confront my children, who were just yelling and fighting with one another, that each one always has the exact same story to tell, "It's not me. It was all his fault..." These statements are followed up with many more explanations and excuses as to why the first statement each of them made is completely true. Well, thank goodness I asked them what happened!

Earlier while I was finishing some housekeeping chores and my girls were napping, I allowed my boys to play in the backyard. It's a fenced in yard so I feel safe allowing them to play unattended. However, I always (no matter how chilly) have the kitchen window open so I can hear them. Surprise! Surprise! After several minutes, I heard arguing and yelling....not happy, playful sounds. Sometimes I think that my kids enjoy arguing with each other as much as they enjoy playing together. And sometimes, it produces a weariness inside of me. I went out and escorted them both inside. No surprise on their responses to me, "I didn't do anything! He did everything! It was all his fault!" As I sat them down for a time-out together I instructed them to think about how neither of them did anything wrong, yet here they were...both being disciplined.

As I walked into the dining room, away from my sons, the thought immediately occurred to me: they are just like adults, we never think or want to admit that we are the ones guilty of wrong-doing; it's always easier to point a finger. Now, in this case there's a happy ending--or at least a temporary happy ending. They are outside right now constructing some kind of a new bridge or tree house together (always building just like their Dad). I just checked on them moments ago and the report was that they are getting along and doing fine. Now, maybe their problem was swept under the rug or maybe they realized that they both had a hand in their argument and bad behavior and they both were going to have to make some changes if they wanted to play outside any more this afternoon. I think, generally speaking, boys don't hold grudges as long and can get over issues faster than those of us of the female persuasion. (I'm a girl, and I've found this to be true most of the time). But, I also believe that children can much more readily accept that they need to change something to get a different result. As adults, we tend to grow more stubborn and stuck-in-our-ways.

However, back to the beginning of this story--the dilemma. According to Jaden, Luke was wrong. According to Luke, it was all Jaden's fault. I heard the arguing and can verify that they were both guilty of wrong-doing (as am I because I fail to consistently work with them to resolve conflicts in the best way). Honestly, I haven't got it all figured out myself. I'll just be honest here (because if I can't be honest then this is a waste of time): there are times when my husband and I argue and I walk away before it is resolved....I give up. There are times when I know I am wrong, or at least partially responsible, and I take my good ole time to say the tough words, "I am sorry." There are even times when I don't want to receive his apologies. I am guilty, all too often, of pointing the finger at my husband and so readily being able to detail his wrongs to me. What I need to learn to do is to look in the mirror and point the finger at myself and tell myself how I've fallen short! Thank goodness we love each other! Thank goodness for grace and forgiveness--and room for growth! But, truthfully, all too often, we are just as little children in our relationships, "It's all his fault!"

I suppose my own faults seem much more clear to me now, when I see these altercations played out between my children. I see the errors of my ways. I really don't want to pass on judgement, criticism, and unforgiveness to my children. I do not want that to be the legacy I leave for them! Saying "I'm sorry" can be hard...really hard, especially when you want the other person to admit his failures and faults. And sometimes "I'm sorry" does not fix everything. There are those times when saying "I'm sorry" simply opens the door for some real resolve. Resolving matters of the heart can often take a very long time. Biblically speaking, Jesus said that we were to forgive our brother "seventy times seven times." (Matthew 18:22) I think the point Jesus was trying to make was that you will be wronged often and you will need to forgive more times than you can keep track. If I need to forgive someone that often, it's likely that I'm just as often the one who desperately needs forgiveness from those I love. Sometimes "I'm sorry" is just the beginning. But, it is a start. Humility is always a better starting point than superiority.

Well, this lesson was for me today. If I never learn another lesson in marriage, parenting, or any other relationship, I hope that I can at least conquer this one. I hope I can learn to swallow my pride (and that lump in my throat) and say the tough words, "I'm sorry. I was wrong."

Catch 'Em Off Guard!

My children, I believe, have come to expect my reactions most of the time. They know if they are whining, I am going to ask them to repeat it nicely--which may or may not happen. They know if they are bickering that I am going to give them one warning to play nicely and treat one another with love. When that doesn't work, time-out is next! I try to be consistent in my disciplinary tactics, and for the most part I think that is well and good. However, sometimes it seems as if the same disciplinary measures over and over don't seem to yield any real changes.

So, I am proposing an amendment to my steady rule of consistent discipline. Sometimes (when I am clever enough or the mood strikes me just right) I am going to change it up a bit! I am going to catch 'em off guard! Well, I remember doing this one time with Luke and it was like an immediate answered prayer--which is rare! He was having a melt-down of some sort and was in need of some serious discipline. Well, instead of beginning whatever course of discipline I would normally use, I said "Come here Luke." And, what happened next made a world of difference almost immediately. I pulled him close and gave him a hug, a nice big, squeezy hug (as my 7 year old would call it). I think I actually felt the tension in his body--and mine--leave during that squeezy hug. No discipline was needed!

This morning, on our drive home from taking my son to preschool, my 3 year old lost her shoe in the car (translation: she kicked off her flip-flop), only to ask for it a second later. For whatever reason, Ella enjoys a struggle, an argument; I think it's the red hair! When I told her I could not reach it and she could not unbuckle to get it, the fussing began. Now, normally, I would attempt to ignore the fussing (which never deters her). After I become frustrated listening to it, I usually warn her that she will be disciplined the moment we arrive home (which often does not deter her). What to do? So, as she began fussing, whining, almost crying for her shoe I said to her, "Ella! Tell me all the ways that crying will help you get your shoe! Go ahead!" I said this in the most upbeat, pleasant voice I could muster. It worked almost immediately! I think it just completely stumped her. She had no idea what to say and therefore was quiet--from there on out.

So the amendment goes as follows: When ye are tempted, once again, to begin the traditional methods of verbal correction and discipline (that often do not yield success), consider an unexpected--possibly shocking--new method of deterring your little angel! Sometimes it is for your own sanity, especially if chocolate is not within arm's reach! Sometimes it is for comic relief! One such story comes to mind: my son Luke was playing in the sandbox with his brother and sister and he began to become upset each time one of them invaded his area (in one of the largest residential sandboxes I've ever seen). He was just being a bit cantankerous. So, out of the blue I said "Luke! You have on a yellow shirt, and I have on a yellow shirt....so stop fussing!" There is no logical reason why this should have mattered--it certainly made no sense--but it worked! He looked at me and smiled! Back to work he went without any more fussing or complaining. (My husband and I laughed about it the rest of the day!) So I encourage you to give it a whirl! Get creative! Have fun with it (I know I do)! When you catch 'em off guard, you just might get the exact behavior change you were hoping for.

Practice Makes Patience: The Lesson I Learned From "Evan Almighty"

My husband and I picked up the movie "Evan Almighty" with Steve Carell quite a while ago, but we hadn't watched the whole thing. My children ended up watching it several months ago when they were at Grandma & Grandpa's house. They seemed to enjoy it tremendously, so we decided to give it another try. Of course, watching it with our children, who are so easily amused, made the movie enjoyable for all of us. We have to rewind it to the first song of the closing credits again and again because it's great dance music; my kids try all kinds of new dance moves and end up in hysterics. Some movies are fun for us all!

In the climax of the movie, God, played by Morgan Freeman (as one would expect) speaks to Evan's wife about prayer. He reminds her that when someone prays for something specific, God gives that person the opportunity to see that specific something change. For instance, when someone prays for their family to become closer, God gives the family opportunities to grow closer. When someone prays for patience, God gives that person opportunities to become more patient. I've spent many years hearing people in church say, "Be careful what you pray for, you just might get it." You know, be careful if you ask God to give you a deeper compassion for hurting and lost people, because He'll probably send you to live in some third world country for five years. Really! This be careful what you pray for notion has kind of messed with me for some time. In certain areas of my life, I would pray and then have some skepticism about what would happen next. I mean, who wants to pray for patience if the answer is going to come in a book entitled, A Hundred Ways You Will Feel Impatient Today? In some areas, I really did hesitate before I prayed. Maybe it would just be better not to pray about this thing....

Well, I am going to humble myself right now and admit that all of this became so much more clear to me after thinking about how Morgan Freeman said it. That figures! Well...Morgan Freeman and the most recent transition of home schooling my first grader. My husband and I made the decision mid-summer that I would home school my first grader this year. There are several reasons behind this, but for this year it turned out to be the best decision for our family. So, weighing it all out and deciding if I could do this lent itself to a bit of soul-searching and some changes in perspective, which is all good. My greatest concern, however, was in the area of my patience, or lack thereof. I would like to go on record declaring that I am one of the most loving and patient moms anyone could ever meet. But...that would be stretching the truth! Before I became a mom, I most likely considered myself to be a very patient person. Honestly, I can't remember ever examining the idea of patience so intensely as I have since becoming a parent. I mean to tell you, it's a daily struggle now! Each and every day my darling children provide me with such a wide variety of opportunities to show patience, bless their generous hearts!

And, don't you know, that each and every time I begin to pray that God will give me a patient heart, I hear that be careful what you ask for in the back of my mind gnawing at me. Then I hesitate again, if it's this much of a struggle now do I want it to get worse? So, I sometimes back off and decide to just pray for my friends, as Job did!

Well, the climax in my story is that after several days of home schooling my son (all the while taking care of my other 3 children, my home, grocery shopping, laundry, the budget, etc.), I realized that I have felt more patient in my heart and in my reactions than I have felt in a long time. I was astonished! How could this be? I am balancing more on my plate throughout the day than I have since becoming a mom. This home schooling is no easy task. Teaching my 7 yr. old to become a more proficient reader is no easy task! But, I am becoming more patient each and every day. In celebrating this discovery, I remembered Morgan Freeman's words (well...paraphrased, that is). He told Evan's wife that if someone prays for patience, God gives them opportunities to become patient. I just always looked at this the wrong way! God didn't give me a hundred ways to feel irritated or impatient over the last week or so. He gave me many opportunities to practice patience. I have found myself practicing patience because I really have no other choice. Well, I do have another choice, but I have realized that I am becoming more patient because of this decision to home school. As I said, there were several reasons behind the decision to home school, but God developing patience in me was not atop my list of considerations. Yet, here we are! God is developing patience in me!

The climax of my story is that stretching myself to do more than I was even sure I could handle, is causing me to become a more patient person. Having to balance many tasks and responsibilities throughout my day is proving to be more of a blessing in my life than I thought possible. Yes, it's early. Yes, I'm sure my children will continue to try my patience when they see fit. But, I am learning that practice makes perfect (just as I tell Jaden about handwriting and reading). And, practice makes patience--or, at least in my case. I may be a special case (and from time to time I like think I am) but most likely I am the same as anyone out there. We hesitate to make a decision, or utter a prayer, that could test us. We don't want to fail. What we need to realize is that God tests us with good things--good opportunities! He knows what we need long before we realize it. I believe also that He knows how best to get us there. So, as I teach my son to read, write, add, and subtract, I am allowing myself to learn to be a more patient person. As I encourage him to slow down and sound out the words, I am reminding myself to choose patience. As I take a break from our history lesson to solve a toddler dispute or comfort my tired baby, I am practicing patience. So, thank God for "Evan Almighty" and the profound lesson that Morgan Freeman shared with me. When I chose to ask God for patience, He provided me with an opportunity to home school my first grader. I am learning each and every day to practice patience. For that, I'm thankful.

The Safe Hiding Spot

The way my kids go about playing a game of hide-and-seek is quite amusing. They're young so it's not a surprise that they only have a few hiding places. They will run and open the door to the hall closet yelling loudly, "I'm not ready yet!" Ella has learned from her older two brothers where the good spots are and how she is to go about the job of seeking. It's understood that they will basically hide in the same 3 or 4 places over and over....and over. But, the seeker must not look in those places until he or she has exhausted every other imaginable place (where no one ever hides). Moreover, if the seeker goofs up and finds the hider a little too soon (without exhausting all of the other clever hiding places), then the one found is likely to be a wee-bit perturbed.

We played a rousing game of hide-and-seek this morning and this time the kids chose to play in the basement. Now, the basement is their playroom so it is filled with Lego's, cars, games, tubs full of toys, art supplies, an art table and chairs, and a futon. Again, my children are quite predictable. When they choose to hide in the basement, it's Mom or Dad that has to find them. They may spend half the morning constructing their hiding spot. But, it's always the same general idea. They move the art table and Lego table near the futon and then barricade them with chairs, pillows, and various plastic tub lids so the sides are blocked. The way that the pillows or lids block the tables may change a bit, as well as who hides under which portion of the "house" as it's called, but other than that, it's not too big of a mystery where they are hiding. Yet, they absolutely love this game. And not to disappoint, Mom takes her good ole time looking in the laundry room, storage room, bathroom, behind the chair, behind car mountain.....all the while commenting, "Where in the world could they be?" "These kids are hiding so well." "Hmmm....maybe they're in here." I do my best to make it the game that they expect to be played.

That's just it. It is what they have come to expect! Sometimes I'm not sure how it can be so much fun when it's so predictable; it's not always tons of fun for me (though I try to remain enthusiastic). Every now and then, I just wish I'd open the door to the dark bathroom and have one of them jump out yelling, "Boo!" scaring me half out of my pants. Alas, it will probably be several years before our game of hide-and-seek varies much. Right now, it's just as they expect--just as they predict, and that's why it's so comfortable for them.

Children like consistency. They feel safe when they know what to expect. Children crave and need consistency and stability; too much instability can even stunt them developmentally. Most parents understand this about their children--I know it's true for mine. I strive for consistency in dealing with my kids. But truthfully, it can be tough. I know that when Ella begins whining after being told "No," that it will often escalate into a tantrum. I know that the best solution for her when this happens is a time-out (although disciplinary strategies can vary from child to child). However, sometimes I'm just too tired of doing the time-out thing. I will tell her "No," and then the whining turns into a fit, and what do I do? I give her another warning, sometimes another after that. What? Why did I just cave? Why couldn't I remain consistent in my discipline (usually knowing full well while I'm warning her that time-out will be the end result anyway)? I struggle to remain consistent. And then, back to the drawing board....I start over vowing to remain consistent in all future power struggles with my 3 yr. old.

Well, needless to say, this morning's very predictable game of hide-and-seek was not only fun for the kids, but it reminded me of this important understanding of young children. They need consistency and predictability; they are looking for it; they are expecting it from us. It's comfortable! And, while I know that I will most likely screw this one up again (just as I accidentally found Luke a little too soon on round 2 this morning), I am not going to give up trying. My kids need consistency from me. They appreciate it and have more fun when I play the game right! Honestly, in the real everyday situations of our lives, it not only helps them, but it helps me too to remain consistent. While I may occasionally wish someone would jump from an unexpected hiding spot, I know my children feel most comforted and most able to be themselves (to just be kids) when I am consistent in my parenting. Let's try not to unnerve our children by being unpredictable! Let's just have fun playing the game of life as they have come to expect it...for now.

Shiny New Shoes

As a young girl I loved getting a new pair of black patent leather shoes for dress-up occasions. I remember wanting to wear those new shoes to bed for the first few nights after I got them. Most little girls love their shoes....and most grown women do too! As mamas, we spend a lot of time wearing our tennis shoes; we've learned that we need to be willing to work hard, get dirty, and try to be comfortable while doing the mothering job. But, every now and then we get to experience a feeling similar to putting on a brand new pair of patent leather shoes.

I have grown accustomed to looking for the good amongst the not-so-good; the rose in the thorns; the calm after the storm. Still, every now and then I experience a kind of good that I truly didn't expect. It can impact the course of my entire outlook on a day or a situation. Today I had one of those times. Today is Sunday, which is my favorite day of the week. It's the one day that our family is guaranteed to be together from start to finish. We go to church together, have lunch together, and enjoy whatever chores or activities we have planned together--as a family. It's the day that I get to put on my shiny shoes. However, sadly I'll admit that sometimes I forget how much I love Sundays.

There are those Sundays when the children are especially tired, cranky, or contrary. There are those Sundays when laundry has piled up after a busy week. There are those Sundays when my husband or I am somewhat tired or pensive about something and it begins to weigh us down. There are perfectly good Sundays that start out great but get too loud, chaotic, or messy to be fully enjoyable. Oftentimes I put too many expectations on my Sundays to be happy about the reality of them. Sometimes I get upset about having to put my tennis shoes back on. We have young children that need to be taken care of; they need our full attention most of the time. Being a stay-at-home mom, I am with them all week. But when Daddy is home they desperately want his undivided attention (which is especially difficult while Daddy is painting the exterior of our 2-story home). I've tried to be a bit more realistic about our Sundays. I know we will all be together and that my husband and I will enjoy an afternoon coffee together at some point. But, will we enjoy any halfway decent, intelligent, or uninterrupted conversations? I'm sure you can guess the answer as well as I can.

But today I realized that, lo and behold, miracles do happen on Sundays! I was able to keep my shiny shoes on longer than usual. After the kids finished their grilled cheese sandwiches and strawberries, and the new Lego tractor was constructed, my husband and I were able to have a wonderful, meaningful (and very minimally-interrupted) conversation. We had one of those conversations that I have only come to expect on long drives together or on the rare occasion that we have a date night. During these times I am prepared to discuss in detail any number of important married-raising-kids topics. But today...to have a full, meaningful, adult conversation in the midst of our otherwise very kid-focused Sunday....what a treat! What a delightful and unexpected pleasure! Just like putting on a shiny new pair of patent leather shoes after wearing dirty tennis shoes all week.

It can happen. Children truly are a blessing but they come with strings attached. Those of us that planned for our families know about and are prepared (at least as much as we can be) for the strings. And most parents grow to enjoy and welcome the strings. We love wearing the comfortable, durable tennis shoes. But, in the midst of untangling, tying, and retying the shoe-strings, sometimes we get to put on a shiny pair of patent-leather shoes. And, boy does that feel good! We feel refreshed, refocused, rejuvenated....and our spirits are rekindled one to another. This is good and I will look for it more often because you just never know. You might find yourself dancing in shiny new shoes in the midst of a floor full of tangled up, tied up, beat up old tennis shoes.

We Need to Hear It

Recently after a Sunday church service, my husband and I made the spontaneous decision to take our family out to eat rather than heading home for the usual Sunday brunch of pancakes or grilled cheese sandwiches. Like any sensible parents with young children (we have 4) we chose a family-friendly restaurant that is typically noisier at the lunchtime hour. The two oldest went to coloring their menus; our 4 yr. old is artistically inclined and this comes complete with a tongue-stuck-out-due-to-serious-concentration face! He is too cute! My baby was very content throwing crayons, her sippy cup, and various baby toys on the floor for mommy to pick up so she could try again. My 3 yr. old daughter was delightfully telling us stories about her class at church and who she played with, etc. There were some small kinks here and there, but altogether we had a nice time. For the majority of our time at the table, across from us sat two older couples enjoying a lunch together. I noticed them watching our children now and then; I found myself hoping that they weren't thinking our children were too loud, or ill-mannered. Just as they were winding down their visit and preparing to leave they looked at my husband and said "They're such good children; so well-behaved." He proudly smiled and said, "Thank you." I also thanked them for the compliment.

I cannot explain how much a compliment such as that means to a mom like me! It is such a good reminder that I must be doing a few things right. God knows I'm trying! Sometimes I'm looking at my children's behavior through a microscope analyzing every single action and I fail to see the big picture. This brief encounter reminded me (and my husband) that they are good kids. And whenever this occurs, we look at each other not long after and say to one another, "They're good kids." We need to hear it.

I had a similar situation this morning at the Dr.'s office. My oldest child's 7 yr. checkup was scheduled early in the morning. Last night I was telling my husband how I wished I had someone to help me during these times; I wished I didn't have to take all 4 kids. Even when we were finishing breakfast I had the fleeting thought of calling the office to see if they had a late afternoon appointment so I could just take my son alone when my husband returned home from work. Then, I reminded myself that this wasn't the most convenient plan for us and that certainly, I could take my kids to the Dr.'s office by myself. It's not as if I don't do this already. We shop together, go to friends' houses, go to the park, run other errands. I rarely if ever ask for help in these types of situations. But, it doesn't make my mental preparation any easier. I sometimes have to remind myself not to be anxious. "They will behave," I tell myself. And guess what? They behaved. I may have had to shush them once while the Dr. was asking me a question, but they were angels. My Dr., a father of 4, looked at me as we were discussing typical discipline and behaviors of boys, and said "They're good kids." I responded, "Well thank you for saying so." To which he responded, "No, trust me. I see kids all day and yours are good kids." We shook hands as he left the room. Boy, I sure like our doctor! I was beaming with pride! It's so good to hear it!

Now, I know that I'm not alone here. Those of us moms (and dads) who are especially concerned with raising well-rounded, well-mannered children can put so much pressure on ourselves. We can also directly judge ourselves and our own parenting success or failure based on our children's behaviors. It's unfair, but we do it. I recently read a facebook entry that a friend of mine had posted about her parenting. She's an amazingly gentle, positive mother to 7 children. She said that she sometimes feels she is doing "everything wrong." As you can imagine, her remark was met with much encouragement and reminders of the great job that she is doing. People who know her children well reminded her that they didn't get to be such great kids all on their own. We rarely credit ourselves for the good in our children, but often take the not-so-good very personally. We forget that children will be children and we will be just fine too--doing the best we know how to do!

My sister's oldest daughter recently prepared lunch for herself, my sister, and her two younger sisters voluntarily. Tears welled in me when I thought about this. What a wonderful young girl she is and she didn't get there alone. No, we can't take all the credit for our children's strengths, but we sure have something to do with it!

Each of these examples has reminded me that parenting is a lot of hard work and that we need regular affirmation that we're doing a good job. And, if you're taking the time to read a blog about parenting issues, you're doing a good job! Let me be the first to tell you that today! Pat yourself on the back. And (you may feel silly about this), but tell yourself, "You're a really good mom (or dad)." And mean it! We need to hear it! Plain and simple. We need to hear it.