Not Losing--I'm Gaining!

My husband and I were having a heart-to-heart talk during a long car drive back from visiting family in Cincinnati recently.  I was confiding in him how I felt about this past year of home schooling my two boys.  It has been a really difficult school year for me.  I hesitate to even admit that because there are some aspects of home school that I absolutely love.  I am certain that I will greatly miss the parts that I love.  We are moving very soon and will finally be in a great school district.  Currently, I have one who attends preschool three mornings a week and three children at home with me all the time.  The plan is that we will send the children to public school.  So, next school year I will suddenly have three children attending school during the day and only one at home with me.


There have been numerous challenges for me home schooling my boys this year.  I suppose the  biggest challenges have been in finding balance and exercising patience.  They go hand in hand.  When I have struggled to find balance between school-time and mom-time, I sometimes become impatient.  When circumstances have made it completely impossible for me to accomplish anything besides sitting at the table with my boys the entire morning, I feel impatient with those circumstances.  When it seems unlikely that I can devote any time and attention to my daughters or to other responsibilities, I become impatient.  Once I recognize my impatience, I struggle with discouragement.  I feel discouraged because I want to do better.  I feel discouraged because I believe that I should do better.  Mostly, I become discouraged wondering if I've done more harm than good.


On the good days, I know that much has been learned and accomplished.  On the good days, I see what a good reader my kindergarten son has become with my help, day after day.  On the good days, I see that my second grader can get through several pages of multiplication and fractions without ending in tears.  On the good days, we have a nice time reading the Bible around the breakfast table...and everyone wants to listen!  On the good days, my girls play nicely and stay occupied the entire time we are busy with school work.  On the good days, I have at least 15 minutes after we are finished with our afternoon reading and before my girls wake up from naps.  On the good days, my girls actually take naps!  On the good days, I can change out of workout clothes and shower before 11 in the morning!  Ah, but sometimes it seems as if the good days are few and far between.


I have spent time feeling sorry for myself.  I have spent time wishing I had a different daily routine.  I have spent time feeling sad because I haven't had the kind of play-time with my young girls as I would have liked to have this year.  I have felt sad that I have missed out on other opportunities due to our schedule.  I have felt frustrated that, at times, I have had to be a strict school teacher to my boys...and not just a mom!  During our heart-to-heart chat, I was telling my husband all of this, although he has already known how I felt about this year.  I suppose that my prevailing tone was how many things I felt that I had lost or missed out on due to our decision for me to home school, as well as not feeling very graced to do it.  My husband then gently said to me, "But look at all that you have gained."  


Wow!  How truly distorted my view can be at times!  I have never considered myself a glass-half-empty gal, but in this scenario I guess I had become just that!  I was even feeling sorry for myself that I would have to adjust to just one child at home next year rather than continually being thankful that my kids will have a great school to attend.  I realized during our conversation how desperately I needed to flip the switch on my outlook!  I needed to go from feeling sorry for myself to feeling ever thankful for the extra time and opportunities I have had with my children.  I wish that I was someone who felt a strong love for and desire to home school my children until graduation...but that is not me.  I am convinced that I don't have this desire because it is not God's intention for our children and family specifically.  I think God has other plans for us and I'm excited about that!  But, how blessed I have been these last two years to have my children with me most of the time.  God has given me the grace and has provided for us every day despite how I feel!  He has provided resources and has given me something to be thankful for each and every day of this journey!  My boys have learned and grown!  My girls have developed a pretty close friendship with each other while spending so much time together.  I have been able to enjoy some relaxing moments around the breakfast and lunch table with ALL of my children.  I have seen many times when my older son has helped my younger son with some learning process.  We've read some pretty great books together; we have learned and grown together!  


I am realizing that this is how life is.  Most of us have heard it said--have learned and re-learned--that our outlook makes or breaks us!  But in certain situations, it really can be difficult or seemingly impossible to maintain the right outlook even when we know that's what we need.  For instance, I have been attempting to write this for the past two and a half hours; I have had more interruptions than I care to mention.  However, during most of the time I've been writing, my kids have been playing games together:  indoor soccer (feel free to gasp!), musical chairs, button-button, and indoor hurdles (that one was pretty hilarious...until Luke got hurt).  None of these games have been without occasional disagreements, but my kids are playing together by choice!  I never said they needed to play together.  I realize that I could have children who would be happier in their separate areas of the house playing video games solo.  I realize that I could have two boys who come home from school with homework that usurps most of the afternoon hours.  Instead, even amidst the bickering and distractions, I am happy to see my children playing together.  And, I'm thankful that I have a computer which allows me to easily compose my thoughts.  Heck, I'm thankful that I can still compose coherent thoughts with four children between the ages of 2 and 8 in my house!  I have so much to be thankful for!  Sometimes, we just need someone to remind us of what we are gaining rather than what we feel we are losing!

Seeing Through the Eyes of Hope

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the concept of vision lately.  In some very personal areas of my life, I've seen some of my visions become--or begin to become--reality.  I began reflecting deeply on vision last week when I read a poignant truth quoted by one of my Pastor's.  Pastor Jeffrey Smith said, "Fear is vision with NO HOPE!  No expectation of good paralyzes progress and stifles productivity.  Expect the great.  What you look for you find!"  This quote just kept resonating in me all day after I read it.  At first, I focused on the second half of the quote:  "Expect the great.  What you look for you find!"  I was having the kind of morning with my children in which I wondered just where I had gone wrong.  They were doing and saying things that caused me to feel as if I had failed completely.  I was astonished at their behavior!  And...discouraged!  When I read this quote, I regained some peace.  Yes, they are children and their words and actions just may disappoint me time and time again, but if I choose to look for the good--the great--then I will see it!  When I changed my focus on that particular day, I began to see all kinds of good!


The first part of this quote then began to speak very strongly to me for other reasons.  I had made a recent decision to do something new and I was experiencing fear when I thought about it.  The decision was in relation to something that a friend, whom I greatly admire, thought that I should do.  She asked me if I wanted to make this commitment.  My husband also believed, wholeheartedly, that I should take on this new challenge.  The interesting thing is that this commitment involved strengths, talents, and abilities that others saw in me.  I could partially agree with what they saw, but more than that...I feared.  I feared that I would not be good enough!  I feared that I would fail and disappoint my friend and others.  Yet, while I was facing fear, I also felt very much excited at the thought of this new commitment.  In fact, in a way it was something that I had envisioned doing before.  Whenever I had previously envisioned it, I saw success.  But, when I was faced with this possibility becoming a reality, I feared failure.  So, when I read this quote, you can imagine how it changed my viewpoint.


"Fear is vision with no hope."  Well, I had never really considered it in quite this way.  We generally only have fear in areas of our lives that truly matter to us.  I have never feared whether or not I would be a good police officer, because I've never had the slightest desire to become a police officer.  Do you know what I mean?  We usually encounter fear in areas of our lives that matter immensely to us.  We sometimes face fear about things that we're called on to do, but that fear is simply having vision with no hope!  If we stand on what our Creator has said about us--rather than how we feel--we will have hope!  We will begin to see the full vision that we are able to obtain.  The main reason that I had faced fear in this area is because it is something that I'd very much like to enjoy doing successfully.  I can see this as part of my future.  I can envision it!  So, if I am allowing fear to pervade my thoughts, it is only because I am not allowing myself to hope--to hope that I will succeed and possibly surprise myself.


Finally, I have been freshly reminded to write down and speak (or pray) about the visions for my life and the lives of my family members.  Habakkuk 2:2 says, "Write the vision and make it plain."  There is something powerful that happens when we give words to our dreams.  When we speak life to our dreams, we begin to see them coming to pass.  As I thought about this, I was inspired to look back at a journal entry I had written almost 2 years ago.  I had listed many personal and family goals.  I knew even before I looked back at this, that I was going to be encouraged at how many of those goals I had accomplished--or how many dreams (visions) had begun to unfold for our family.  Yep!  As I turned open the page, I began to feel so encouraged at what I read.  I saw that God had been at work in my life and in our family partly because I put words to those visions.  The very act of writing down those goals had caused me to frequently think about them; pray concerning those areas; and make decisions in line with those prayers.  And, of course, without the grace of God, I would see none of it!


We all have visions for our lives, our families, and our future!  What good are those visions if we don't have hope that they will indeed come to pass?  What good are those visions if we do not see them come to pass?  What good are our prayers and our words if we don't remember to speak life to the visions that are God-inspired?  What good is hope if we don't allow ourselves to stand on it concerning our own lives?  What good are our expectations if we expect the worst rather than the best?  We must have hope!  We must give life and breath to our visions!  We must encourage ourselves and expect great things to happen!  We must trust that God has given us visions for a divine purpose!  We must stand on His truth only!  When we do, will will surely see His hand at work all around us!

Stick With It! Be Faithful!

There is something to be said for faithfulness, isn't there?  It sure isn't always easy to remain faithful, but in due time we see how truly beneficial and right, faithfulness is.  "Stick with it--you'll get it!"  "If at first you don't succeed:  try, try again!"  "Practice makes perfect!"  All of these are common sayings that most of us have heard growing up.  In fact, as a mom, I've used these occasionally with my children.  Most often, I use these if I note any type of discouragement in my children about something complex they're trying to achieve or something new they're trying to learn.  We all need to be reminded to "stick with it" from time to time!


I could relay a thousand examples of times Ron or I have encouraged our children to keep working at something...to not give up.  I can look back and see how much progress has been made in certain areas.  I can also get a glimpse, so to speak, of the future in many of these same areas; I can see that progress and growth will undoubtedly continue.  


I think of my second grader who has made such progress on his reading.  He was behind when he tested at the end of last year.  I'm not positive that he's exactly where he is supposed to be, but I've seen leaps and bounds in his reading this year.  This definitely is not because I'm a fantastic home school teacher!  This is simply because he has been faithful to continue trying and I've remained faithful in reading with him daily (even when it was on the verge of being downright frustrating).  He continues to make progress.  More importantly, he is learning the value of faithfulness and a stick-with-it attitude!  


I think of my six year old and how he's become such a little builder and creator (much like his father and his older brother).  He used to get out his Lego sets and end up in tears or worse--complete meltdowns--because he couldn't figure them out on his own.  He wanted to tackle the projects, just as his brother was doing, but he definitely needed guidance and help.  We were continually encouraging him to take his time, ask for help, and keep trying.  "You'll get it," we would tell him.  He may have felt utter frustration at times, but he never stopped trying.  Just tonight, he came downstairs shortly before bedtime with a set of Lego's and stated that he was going to create this new Lego man out of this bag full of Lego's.  Darned if he didn't do it without fits!  He was creative and patient.  He has really come a long way!  We see a good deal of artistic and creative gifts in him, so it is delightful to see him making progress in this area.


I think about certain areas in my own life when faithfulness has been the only way, even when met with frustration, discouragement, or adversity.  I'm learning that God rewards faithfulness.  Again, this is not because we deserve any kind of pat on the back for a job well done.  This is simply because faithfulness is an attribute of God and when we learn to function in faithfulness, we are becoming more like Him, and He is pleased!  The reward may likely come in a renewed sense of hope in our own lives.


I had a moment in time recently when I realized that my faithfulness in a certain area--to something I believe very strongly that I am supposed to do--is getting ready to work on my behalf.  I have not done anything great.  I have only remained faithful to that which was mine to do.  I've remained faithful in the face of many doubts, questions, and some frustrations.  I have remained faithful because for quite a while that was absolutely the only thing that I knew to do.  Now, I am beginning to see a light!  I know beyond all doubts that I've faced, that this light is only here because of two reasons:  God is faithful and good, and I have learned to be faithful in this area.  There's a well-known Bible story of a servant who was given some responsibility and proved his faithfulness.  "His master said to him, 'Well done, good and faithful servant.  You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much.  Enter into the joy of your master.' " (Matthew 25:23)  Oh, the joy!  I want to enter into the joy, don't you?  The joy of something great accomplished through God's divine help.  The joy of rest after completing your task.  The joy of the One who knows every side of the story...the One who wrote the story!  The complete joy of our master!  That's what I want.


We all have things over which we're called to be faithful.  Most of us have people whom we are called to be faithful with.  Our children, for example:  we must remain faithful to love, train, teach, pray for, encourage, spend time with, protect, and discipline them despite opposition or discouragement.  We should remain faithful to our spouse or others who God has given us to have relationship with--to walk through this life with.  It's necessary to remain faithful to other things that we may not love doing...or even like doing.  And always, we should be faithful to the things that are so deep on the inside of us that we know if we don't do them we won't fully live.  We all have things that resonate on the inside of us continually and won't let us go.  We all have passions! If they are God-given passions, we must remain faithful to them despite all odds!  They are there for a divine purpose.  If we do not remain faithful, we will not fulfill all that God desires for us to do.  I can't fulfill yours and you can't fulfill mine.  God has written a script on the inside of our hearts--each one of us--and it's ours to live!  Be faithful!  Do not give up!  Stick with it!

My Lifeline

There is one verse that I find myself clinging to, time and time again:  "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up," Galatians 6:9.  This has been a lifeline to me in so many different seasons of my life.  I find myself encouraging others with this verse too.  And, even my husband reminded me last night of this truth.

You see, I really enjoy doing good; doing good towards other people and demonstrating God's love in all ways that I see I can.  However, I have a tendency to lose heart.  I have a tendency to become weary.  In small ways and in big ways, I can become disheartened, impatient, or just plain weary.  I know full well that I am not alone, but most of us do not wish to admit this to our peers.  

Just this morning I had a very small experience that was a perfect opportunity for me to "not lose heart."  I drove to a local store with my daughters for some bagels and smoothies (we like to get smoothies when it's just us girls).  I approached the drive-thru lane and saw that many cars were ahead, although most were approaching the lane through an alternate route, as opposed to the correct drive-thru lane.  I've done this myself occasionally, but I wait my turn if others are in line the correct way.  Anyway, several cars were in front of me (the alternate way) but I would wait patiently.  Meanwhile, another car approached the drive-thru lane through the alternate route clearly several minutes after I'd sat in line.  I can't give you an accurate picture of the set-up, but without me gunning it when it was my turn, I stood no chance of getting in front of this car....approaching the wrong way!  To my amazement, the person driving this car refused to even look my way; he got right in front of me!  Now I would wait longer!  I really struggled not to feel angry.  Okay, scratch that....I felt angry!  I try to always let others in front of me in line, whether in car or on foot.  At the grocery store, if I see the person behind me has only a few items (or a baby with them), I give them my spot in line.  To my knowledge and best recollection, I always seek to prefer others above myself in these situations--common courtesy, right?  This morning's incident really amazed me!  How often I find that what I sow is not what I get in return!  

Again, I am well aware I'm not alone in these feelings.  I am human!  I have even found myself, at rare moments, feeling this way as a mom.  Yesterday was the first time I'd ever heard myself saying, in my children's hearing, "Why am I the only one who picks up around here?"  Now, this isn't even a true statement, but at times I sure do feel that way.  I'm also fully aware that if I'm feeling this way, it's my responsibility as a mom to revisit how much help I'm expecting from my children.  Maybe in the clean-up department...not enough!  Nevertheless, I have found myself at times feeling as though I am serving, serving, serving, yet no one is looking out for me!  Ever felt that way?

Another very personal example (let me once again be vulnerable) is in the area of talents, vision, and realized dreams.  I am so often the first to encourage others' dreams and goals.  I may not have much else to offer them, but I can be a friend's biggest cheerleader.  When a friend starts a small business or creative venture, I encourage and cheer her along as loudly as I can.  I find myself weeping with joy as I watch people I know open businesses, publish books, begin ministries, record music projects, buy homes, or land their dream jobs.  I rejoice with others who are realizing their dreams and potential!  I genuinely feel happy for them!  And, if I can offer any further support, I will.  I'm not saying any of this to my credit; I think we should all celebrate with others who do well!  

However, occasionally I find myself wondering when my moment or special opportunity will come.  Do you know what I mean?  My husband and I have been wanting to move now for 4 years.  4 years of praying, looking, preparing, waiting, sowing, praying, preparing, waiting, looking....and more praying and waiting!  I really don't want to lose heart!  I am genuinely happy for others who have their moment arrive.  But what about me?  I am often the first to purchase books written by people I know.  I cheer them on as best as I can.  I celebrate their wonderful accomplishments.  But, every now and then I find myself wondering when I will accomplish this particular dream myself.  I hesitate to admit that because what if it's years before this happens?  Does all of this make me sound like a whiny child?  It just may!  I find myself thinking, as I write this, that it sounds like the ramblings of a selfish, complaining individual.  Well, this is probably true also.  I am human.  Therefore, I fall short all too often!  All too often!  I focus on me way too many times!  I fall into the trap of comparison more times than I care to admit.  Maybe you're embarrassed for me as you read this.  Or...maybe you can relate.  

My guess--though I could be wrong--is that I am not alone in these feelings.  Maybe your situation isn't quite the same, but I think most of us have had times when we wonder if we will ever reap what we sow.  We celebrate with the accomplishments of others, only to question when we'll accomplish anything worth celebrating.  We do our best to be patient, wondering if it will ever truly pay off.  We diligently aim to raise our children with consistent expectations, love, and discipline, wondering if we'll ever get through an entire family gathering without an incident that highlights our obvious failures as parents.  Whether or not you care to admit ever being in this place, I believe it is human.  I also think that is why God's word tells us to "not become weary in doing good."  "We will reap a harvest if we do not give up!"  I believe this!  I cling to this promise and to this truth, which is why I said it has been a lifeline for me.  When I find that I'm tempted to give up, or when I realize that I have grown weary, I remind myself of this truth.  The other encouragement to me is that God sees!  He sees my heart and He sees my efforts.  He sees my weaknesses and He has given me the strengths that others may see.  I can take no credit.  Apart from Him, I am nothing!  And, if I never felt weak or weary, I would not likely look to Him for strength or encouragement.  I'm thankful for those times when I am growing weary or when I feel discouraged, because that is when I am reminded that only He can fill those deep voids.  Only He can offer me true, deep, and lasting strength and encouragement! 

My Blessing of Mercy

My little girl has seen me cry way too many times today.   Embarrassed to admit that.  It has been sort of an emotional roller coaster kind of day for me.  Partly mother nature's fault; partly a bit of discouraging (or at least unexpected) news; partly just the third day with Daddy out of town.  I was awakened in the middle of the night twice last night.  And, just when I finished home school reading with my boys today and thought, I can lie down on the couch for a few quiet minutes while the girls are still napping, guess who came down the stairs?  Yep, both of my cute little princesses!

I needed a bit of a break today, but that's not realistic right now.  And, I'm sure there are those of you who could do much better than me at this, or at least those who believe you can.  But, unless you have 4 children and home school 2 of them while your husband is out of town, with no family in town offering to help...you can't truly relate.  The truth is, I cannot truly or completely relate to another mom's situation or circumstances either!  And, I can usually handle my own circumstances just fine...usually!  Today, however, there were quite a few bouts of tears.  I can't always run away and hide when the faucets are turned on either.  If I could have, I would have!  I try to focus on the positive things; I was recounting everything for which I'm thankful.  But, the tears still came a few times.  And my sweet little Ella was a witness to them.

What amazes me about her is...  Wait a minute!  There's so much that amazes me about that girl!  She is so loving and tender-hearted, expressive, compassionate, and understanding.  Let me try to relay to you some of the sweet things she said to me today.  At one point, I walked downstairs after vacuuming and she had seen a few tears escape my eyes.  She followed me downstairs and asked, "Do you want to be alone when you are sad?"  I talked to her a little bit and although I said "yes, sometimes," she sat nearby--fully aware that her presence was helpful, despite my answer.  She gave me several hugs and kisses.  After dinner, she and I spent a while talking and I'm sure she could sense my feelings of disappointment in myself; I'm sure of this because of what she said to me.  Out of nowhere she told me (in my ear so softly), "I still love you mom."  More tears!  Then she said to me, "It's okay mom, we're still best friends."  She kept coming back in the kitchen while I was cleaning up after dinner to give me a hug, or tell me a story, or ask if I was okay.

I hope that you believe that I didn't want to allow my tears to be so visible.  I didn't want to appear like an emotional basket-case to any of my children today.  I want to be strong for them.  I want to maintain an atmosphere of joy and peace.  Not so sure that I came close to succeeding in any of that today.  In fact, I spent the better half of the day beating myself up for what felt to me like failing miserably as a mom. 

Here is the thing about moms that we cannot change no matter how badly we feel we should.  We are going to reveal who we are and what is really going on to our children when we would rather hide it.  Moms are visible to their children.  And I think that more times than not, no matter how much our children are ready to jump into Daddy's arms, they are acutely aware of what is going on with Mommy.  I know that I was as a child.  And I suppose it doesn't directly harm any of us to see another person sad, hurting, or struggling.  How else do we develop compassion?  So, as much as I truly wanted to hide those tears and put on a happy face, I didn't have one to put on...  I'm sure I will tomorrow!  But my little 4 year old has simply amazed me today!  She has blessed me more than I can explain.  So, as much as I have felt like an utter failure as a mom today, she has indirectly reminded me that I am not.  Somehow, I have had a hand (at least a small one) in helping this little girl begin to grow into who God intends for her to be.  We named her Ella because it is a derivative of "Eleanor" and means "mercy."  Wow!  She knows how to give that!  And the red hair she has is a dead give-away that I have had to extend mercy to her many times over also.  But, she has blessed me today more than words can tell. 

Extraordinary in the Midst of the Ordinary!

Many people around me have given voice lately to the idea of finding joy in the simple things.  I have also been reflecting on this.  In fact, I think I've decided that if my life as a wife and a mom had a title, it would be Finding the Magic in the Mundane.  Or, I could call it Enjoying the Every Day; The Sanctity in the Simple; Beautiful Moments in the Midst of the Busy.  Okay, you get the idea.  I could come up with quite a few catchy little phrases; that's because I really have made this my aim.  And, even when it hasn't been my aim, it has certainly been God's gift to me....over and over and over!  Maybe you can relate.

Several weekends ago, my husband and I took a weekend to go away and celebrate our 12 year anniversary.  This was so significant for us because not only do we rarely (and I mean rarely) get this kind of an opportunity, but we also find it difficult to have date nights.  We had the most wonderful weekend together.  God blessed us with gorgeous weather both days we were at the lake:  we took bike rides, enjoyed slow walks, ate good food, and had so much fun together.  It was everything it should have been and more!  I am truly blessed and thankful for our time away.

But here is what amazes me about life...and about God's love towards us.  The following weekend we headed to visit my family in Cincinnati.  It had been a few months since we had made the trip and we always enjoy the family time.  I brought my tennis shoes and necessary clothes for morning walks since I have made my physical health a priority.  That Saturday morning I headed outdoors for an early morning walk while the kids were spending time with their Daddy and Papa.  As I walked around my parents' neighborhood, I began noticing all of the trees and changing leaves.  I love fall; it's my favorite season!  The more I looked around, the more I noticed that it truly was the most perfect, crisp, pure, and absolutely beautiful fall day I'd ever seen!  The more I looked around, the more in awe I was!  I couldn't stop myself from smiling and before I knew it I was in tears.  Then, I couldn't stop myself from thanking God for his goodness and praising Him for His beauty! 

You must believe me when I say that my parents' neighborhood is certainly nice, but doesn't even compare in beauty to the gorgeous view of the lake we enjoyed the previous weekend.  And, as I shared earlier, I had the most wonderful time at the lake with my husband.  However, the thing about God is that He can show up so purposefully in our lives whenever and wherever He so chooses!  He can show up on a beautiful fall morning in an average suburban neighborhood and cause you to feel as if you are truly standing on holy ground!  He can do it for whomever He wants and however He sees fit.  I'm not sure if anyone else in that neighborhood experienced anything close to what I did that morning, but I was so moved by God's majesty!  I felt as if I had received a personal love letter from God!  Even  as I remember that morning walk I can still recall how I felt--and feel it all over again!  No one and nothing can ever take that experience away from me.  It was just a regular morning walk on an ordinary day....and it turned extraordinary without warning. 

I think this is what I am learning all the time.  Extraordinary moments can show up unexpectedly in our lives in the midst of ordinary events and circumstances!  The key, at least for me, is to acknowledge these moments and purpose to remember them.  We give these experiences life when we thank God for them and choose to acknowledge how special they are.  How amazing that we can build for ourselves a reservoir of spectacular and awe-inspiring memories to reflect on whenever we want!  Extraordinary in the midst of the ordinary!  Lord, help me to never take that for granted!

Committed

Admittedly I haven't wanted to write lately.  I have felt discouraged about something in my life.  Just yesterday I thought, more than once, I really wish that I had never started writing a blog in the first place.  You see, I feel a responsibility to this blog for several reasons, but whenever I am experiencing feelings of discouragement, I'd just as soon not write about much of anything.  I truly love to write, but I seldom feel that any words of wisdom should come from me.  In fact, I've never wanted to approach this blog as someone who has any advantage over anyone else; I simply want to share what I am learning.  But, herein lies my quandary:  when I am struggling to figure things out--really struggling--I don't believe my words can encourage anyone else.  Having said that, I am writing yet another blog out of a personal commitment to write that I made some time ago. 

You see, life may have a way of chewing you up and spitting you out, but nothing and no one can cause you to totally forsake your commitments.  You have control over that!  And sometimes, in the middle of keeping our commitments, we are personally impacted or touched in a way that really means something to us. 

I can identify a few areas where this has happened in my own life.  In March, I made a commitment to become physically healthy.  I began exercising regularly and I began changing some of my eating habits.  After two and a half months I saw no results.  I struggled with feelings of discouragement.  I was running 2-4 miles, five to six times a week.  I was really trying!  Yet, I had not lost one pound or one pant size.  I could have given up!  However, nothing more than my personal commitment to myself pushed me to keep trying.  Not long after this, I received some wonderful words of advice from a close friend (who also happens to be a personal trainer) and things began to change.  I approached exercise with some variety and began to see results.  Since June I have lost almost 30 pounds and I am feeling stronger and more healthy than ever before!  I remain personally committed to my physical health!

I am home schooling my sons this year for several reasons.  I home schooled my older son for his first grade year, last year.  Reading is a struggle for him.  The evaluation he had at the end of the year proved that he was behind where he should be.  Once again I felt discouraged.  I truly believed while entering this new school year that home school was the best decision for our family.  However, I couldn't shake the feeling that maybe I didn't have the ability to help Jaden improve his reading.  Some days nothing more than a commitment to do this has kept me going.  I can't say that I thoroughly love every moment of home schooling my boys; it's very busy and I also have to occupy my daughters and maintain my home.  But, little changes are taking place.  Jaden voluntarily picked a much more difficult chapter book to read recently (while I was ready to re-read an easier one).  I have to help him still quite a bit, but he's enjoying the book.  We read several pages today and he was more than okay with it; he wasn't begging to stop.  He has also taken the initiative to type stories on the computer, as well as deciding to type out all of his memory scriptures for church.  I'm not entirely sure that his reading has improved, but I do believe he is enjoying it more and is much more willing to approach it.  Might just be my opinion, but I think that enjoying to read is the start of becoming a great reader!

Today, while keeping my commitment to home school, I was personally touched by what I was reading.  I was reading a book to my sons about the life story of Hudson Taylor, an English man who became a Christian missionary to China.  We're not too far into the book but it has been interesting and an enlightening look at life in 19th century England.

Now, to understand why today's chapter meant so much to me, I'll need to confide some of my personal struggle.  I've been feeling discouraged about our finances.  We are a single income family by design, but it means a great deal of sacrifice, and often....frustration.  One thing my husband and I have always been committed to is our decision to give.  We have tithed faithfully to our local church throughout our entire marriage, even during the few occasions when my husband experienced lay-offs with his job.  In addition, we've regularly given charitably above and beyond our tithe and we bless others financially whenever we can.  We have committed to this and we will never stop.  However, sometimes our financial situation is a struggle--a frustration--and seems unlikely to improve.  Yet, we remain committed to bless as we have been blessed!

So today, as I struggled with some feelings of discouragement about this, we read a chapter that I think may have been written just for me!  In this chapter, Hudson Taylor's experience was in learning to trust God to be his provider despite contrary circumstances.  He worked for a Dr. Hardey, who was a good employer, but who often forgot to pay Hudson his wages on time.  Hudson felt that God was trying to teach him to trust in Him to be his source, therefore he decided not to remind his employer that his wages were due...or overdue.  Instead, he trusted God.  During this time, he had an opportunity to visit a poor family and pray for a dying mother of 6.  While he was praying for this woman, he felt impressed to give the family his very last coin, meaning he would surely have nothing to pay his rent.  He struggled with this, but he gave the family his money.  (I felt that I could relate as there have been several times when Ron and I have blessed others who were struggling while we ourselves were struggling to make ends meet.)  As Hudson walked this out in faith, he began to see God provide in miraculous and unexpected ways! 

I choked up as I read this chapter aloud to my boys, realizing that it was God's encouragement to me.  You see, Ron and I are steadfast in our commitment to prioritize our finances.  I wish I could write how everything has begun to turn around and head in a new direction for us.  I cannot write that at this time.  However, one thing I know is that God has always taken care of us and He always will!  I feel better remaining committed to this and trusting God to provide for us than in trying to trust sheerly in our own ability to provide.  We're not God and we don't know His ways!  But, just as God encouraged a young man in the 19th century to trust Him to provide all he needed, we will continue to trust that our God can supply all of our needs in the 21st century! 

What I can sum up from all of this is how important I feel it is to stay committed to our vows.  Whether it is our physical health, our children's education, our marriage, our finances, or developing a hobby or skill, there is something valuable that happens when we keep our commitments.  I wish I could say that I've always been committed and that I've never given up.  This is not so!  In fact, the desire to give up is sometimes present even when I want to be a faithful person.  But, I'm getting stronger every day.  So, I'm publishing this blog without any confirmation that it will encourage or help a single person who reads it.  Regardless, it is my personal commitment and I'm keeping it.