Living In This Moment

I've been determined to do some writing over the past few days, but I keep allowing other distractions--or in some cases, other priorities--to deter me.  I determined this afternoon, after tending to some responsibilities; doing some reading and studying; and allowing my son a chunk of time to explore Lego.com, that I would absolutely sit down and write a new entry in my blog.  As I sat in front of my computer, I was at a loss for words.  I know, I know!  This seems highly unlikely!  There are many, many thoughts, ideas, and dreams turning around and around in my head, but I seem unable to grasp just one good idea to chew on.  I feel a bit distracted!  Then I realize, this is truly one of the most real essences of any mom.

For me, this is a reality of being a mom of 4 young children.  I am busy even when we are not busy.  I'm sure most moms (and many dads) can relate!  Very seldom do I collapse in bed at the end of a busy day, breathe a sigh of relief, and declare "I'm glad it's all done now!"  Nope!  That is simply not my reality.  Not to say that I go to bed each evening with responsibilities weighing heavily on my mind.  But, I am fully aware that just as tomorrow is a new day full of potential and promise, it also holds unfinished laundry, floors that need swept, bathrooms that need cleaned, projects that need tackled, and more plowing through certain behavioral issues with my children.  There are priorities...and there are distractions.  There are musts and there are maybes. 

My job is to exercise wisdom in how and what to tackle first.  My challenge is to live at peace with the right-now moment of my life.  I need for the striving to cease.  I need to learn to inhale...and exhale...the forever peace that comes from knowing that God knows right where I'm at and He knows all about my world.  If He expected me to be at the finish line, then I wouldn't be here.  I am a work in progress!  My husband is a work in progress!  My children are works in progress!  And, there will always be inconveniences, failures, upsets, and distractions in my world.  What I do with them is the real question. 

I can strive and push to accomplish more and more and more.  Sure!  (And I can run like the hamster in the wheel, endlessly striving to get somewhere while only growing more and more tired.)  Or, I can choose peace.  I can choose to rest in each moment just exactly as it is.  I can accept the fact that while attempting to read even just one chapter (in a somewhat secluded part of my house) I will still encounter interruptions from an excited 7 yr. old about the points he racked up in the online Lego game he just learned.  I can accept that while I sit down to write or journal for a brief time, I will have a 3 yr. old who wants to sell me things in her pretend store, or crawl behind me in my computer chair to play with my hair.  I can accept that while all kids are seemingly otherwise occupied and I sneak off to run a couple miles on my treadmill, that I will have a little one who wants to come watch me (and of course, needs me to stop frequently to put a new article of clothing on her baby).  My time is really not my own!  And this is okay!  At this time in my life, my time is not really my own!

The reality is that when I said "I do" to motherhood, what I really said was "I am giving my time away...for a while."  I am fully okay with this; it is not a drudgery.  I wanted and I want to be a mom!  What I have never wanted was the constant pull of trying to live one life while desiring another one.  "All of our deepest desires are our soul's way of calling us back to simply being all of who we are."  All of who I am supposed to be is exactly what I want to be.  One of my very deepest and most meaningful desires is that I would be a loving, affirming, faithful, wise, gentle, patient, and kind mom to these 4 lives in which I've been entrusted.  This is of the utmost importance to me because other lives are directly affected by my life's actions.  So...I want to be all of who I am supposed to be.  In this, I can have peace.  If I am fighting with this life that I am living right now (along with all of the quirky circumstances), I will miss the beauty of it.  I'm sure of that.  I don't want to live with regret.  I don't want to look back on the brief days of raising my young children and realize that all I did was fight to flee that time.  What a sad realization that would be! 

So, I am going to choose peace in the midst of everything that vies for my attention today.  I am going to stop reading to give a hug.  I am going to stop typing to listen to a story.  I am going to stop scrubbing the floor to pour a glass of juice.  I am going to stop running to put a dress on a doll.  I am going to remember that for right now, my time is not really my own.  I am going to cease living in another moment.  I am going to make this my forever goal.  I want to live with my children and my family in this moment, in today!  I don't know what may try to distract me tomorrow or even in the next hour--as I'm sure that something will--but that is part of this thing called motherhood.  I'm okay with it.

*quote by Oriah