Wanted: Weakness

If weakness is a prerequisite for God's all sufficient grace and power, then I've got this in the bag!  You know the verse I'm referring to, don't you?  My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9.  I know this verse; I believe this truth; I've written and prayed along these lines.  But yesterday I just laughed out loud as I rehearsed it back to God.  I expressed that if weakness was the requirement for the power and grace of God to show up, then I should see more of His power than any mama I know!

I admit that I may have expressed this flippantly.  Shortly after, however, I said it with vulnerability from an honest heart.  I feel that way so often!  I want to do this mama-thing ten times better.  I fail so miserably at times.  I struggle to feel adequate or enough.  My kids deserve better has been a common theme played in my head.  I lose my patience when my 5-year-old cries in the shower (she's not fond of washing her hair in a bath right now either).  I attempt a perfectly peaceful bedtime tuck-in but fall prey to lecturing about the tidiness (or utter lack thereof) of my daughters' bedroom.  I download devotionals and realize two months later that I never read them with my children.  Plain and simple, there are many moments during my week--or days--when I feel so helplessly weak.  I cannot alone change who or how I am as a mama.  

Oh I do know the mama that I want to be!  I know her so well.  She is full of grace, forgiveness, love and creativity...and most of all she always speaks with soft gentility.  (She does not have that too-loud and sometimes harsh tone to her voice).  She hears from God about how to raise her children and she executes it flawlessly.  So much so that everyone who knows her (or follows her on Facebook) thanks her for her wisdom and grace.  Okay, truth be told, that last part made me chuckle out loud.  If you know a mama like that, be forewarned that she is most likely sharing only the good.  None of us are that good all the time!  I've had to remind myself not to compare myself with her.  Comparison is a thief of joy and is never fruitful for me or my children 

But here's the truth:  even if I could attain this perfect mama status, I would need a hefty dose...and then some!...of God's grace.  Because I've found out that I am weak.  I cannot do any of this in my own power.  I don't want to!  I truly do not want to attempt any parenting without the love and help of God.  I have made an absolute mess of things, as a mama, plenty of times by disobeying his word or not following his example.  But I know that I can come back to his truth and example, and try again.  He has given me grace a thousand times over.  So while it's possible that I may always dream of a better version of me, I hope that my kids remember God's grace and love when they think of their childhood and when they think of their mama.  This would mean that his grace was certainly sufficient in my life and in our home.  

My favorite beatitude has always been Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  Matthew 5:3  When I think of poor, I think of helpless.  No, I have not done an inductive Greek study of this particular passage.  But it has encouraged me more times than I can recount.  I have been reminded that when I am helpless, only God can get me through.  I want that dependence on him, no matter how uncomfortable it always is.  He has given me and my husband five little lives to shepherd...and they daily bring me to my knees, dependent on his strength.  I don't always love the feeling, quite honestly, but I would not want to have it any other way than finding myself helpless and in need of God's power and grace to get me through.

In a book I'm slowly reading, I read a few sentences that brought tears to my eyes as I identified with the author.  To preface the quote, she was having a moment complaining to God about her feelings of inadequacy and lack of beauty or charm.  I pictured how I so often feel as a mama.  This is what God impressed upon her heart: 

If I'd made you physically beautiful, you'd be admired.  If I'd made you with showy talent, you'd be held in awe.  If I'd birthed you to a wealthy family, you'd be envied.  If I'd given you exceptional intellect, you'd be relegated to ivory towers.  [If I'd made you a Pinterest-perfect, soft-spoken, patient and solely wise mama, you'd never depend on me to mother.]  Instead, [Stephanie], I made you a bit lumpy, gave you an unexceptional face, commonplace capabilities, unremarkable talents, [average mama-abilities].  You see, for the good works I prepared in advance for you to do, I needed an average, ordinary woman to [parent with grace and] identify with a great many others just like you.*

I took some liberty with the quote, but it spoke to my heart.  God encouraged me to remember that he never intended me to do this mama-thing alone.  It was never his plan for me to have perfect reactions, words, and insights all the time.  When would I need him if that is how I mothered?  Maybe you feel desperately in need of his power and grace in your parenting.  Or maybe in another area.  I think we all do in some area of our life at any given moment...if we're honest with ourselves.  His all-sufficient grace is there.  He gives us exactly how much we need every time we ask.  

*quote from Carole Mayhall, When God Whispers:  Glimpses of an Extraordinary God By an Ordinary Woman

I'm Having Coffee For Your Heart with my friend Holley Gerth today

Desperation, An Opportunity In Disguise

God, if I could have just one prayer answered concerning my mothering, it would be this:  please, please help me...change me...enable me to see and love my children through your eyes...please!  I'm desperately asking this of you.  I cannot love them on my own.

I uttered this prayer not long ago as I pondered attitudes and behaviors that I have encountered in my children that have perplexed me and left me feeling desperate.  Desperation.  Not the greatest starting point of a prayer of faith.  Or is it?  I can think of several biblical stories wherein the main character saw a prayer answered dramatically and speedily.  More times than not that character had finally come to a point of desperation.  

As I prayed and wept, I had one child in mind specifically.  To say I struggled with this one was putting it mildly.  Do I even like her?  I wonder if I should have ever become a mama?  I wish I had never become a mama.  I am so discouraged.  Why does everything turn into a battle?  I have no clue how to deal with her any longer.  There you have it:  the ugly, and yes...incredibly shameful place I was emotionally.  Those were statements I had thought or had spoken aloud to myself.  I felt unbelievably desperate.  Now, while I understand that a more seasoned mama may be thinking If you think you have it bad now, you haven't even approached the teen years...I am where I am and where I am is where I am.  Maybe mama, you can relate to how I felt, or maybe not.  Nonetheless, I think we all have experienced desperation before.  And I have decided it's a good launching pad for God to take over.

I had no idea that the same day I uttered this simple prayer to God, He would answer it in an unexpected way.  He answered it by giving me an opportunity.  And not even with the same child.

The school bus roared away as my oldest son meandered down the driveway.  After dropping his blue backpack on the bench he slowly unwrapped his granola bar.  I could tell something wasn't right.  He kept turning a paper over in his hands and reluctantly handed it to me, embarrassment shone in his deep brown eyes.  Somehow I got 10 demerits and I didn't even do anything!  I initially thought, What now?  The truth took a little longer to unravel.  He was partially guilty and partially innocent.  Regardless, some serious life lessons were going to result.  The most unfortunate of these was losing the privilege to attend the final fifth grade field trip...one I wished I could accompany him on because it sounded profoundly interesting!  I felt disappointed for him.  Honestly, I'm not certain that the punishment fit the crime in this case, but a consequence is a consequence and I am not going to bat for him on every issue.  He would have to suffer the consequence and learn from it.  

We talked, and I knew his dad would talk with him later.  He knew his wrong.  I peered out the kitchen window, watching him bounce the basketball in the driveway, and I hurt for him.  Oh, how I wished I could have been with him to remind him of good choices...and self-control...and consequences.  But he is on his own during the school day, facing tests of character regularly.  I couldn't change that.  Nor could I take away the sting of the consequence he would face.  But I could do something.  I could love him the way God loves me when I mess up royally--which can be a daily an hourly occurrence in my life!  Admittedly, I didn't ponder all of this until after my later interaction with him.

Before dinner, he came into the kitchen to collect the basket for our chickens' eggs, and he quietly whispered I'm sorry mom.  What are you sorry for?, I asked him.  I'm sorry that I got in trouble and for what I did.  That he would apologize to me--not one directly offended or wronged--showed me that he was remorseful and had already learned an incredible lesson.  I wrapped him in a bear hug.  I told him that I loved him no matter what!  He asked me if I would love him still even if he got 100 demerits.  I answered, without any hesitation, Yes.  I would love you even if you got 100 demerits.  I don't want you to.  I want you to make good choices so that your life is happy and fulfilled, because rules are in place for your good in the long run.  But I will always love you no matter what.

As he walked a little lighter to the chicken coop, I realized that God had unexpectedly answered my earlier prayer.  Does God ever move in my life as I expect him to?  He gave me a surprising opportunity to show love and grace to my child, as he continually showers me with love and grace.  I make poor choices.  I use my tongue as a sword.  I lash out when I feel frustrated.  I blame others when I need to admit my wrong.  I disappoint myself and God more times than I care to admit.  And each time I do, He reminds me that I am loved and there is grace.  There is grace to try again.  There is grace to start anew.  There is grace to seek forgiveness.  There is grace to wipe away the stains of my mistakes.  He doesn't lecture or berate me.  He loves me and he embraces me with tender mercy and grace.  I was able to do that for my son, without any hesitation.  I was able to see him and love him through the eyes of God.  

My own mama's eyes are often critical and fault-finding.  God is changing me.  He is transforming the way that I love my children.  I wish it came more naturally to me, to love them as God loves me.  But admittedly, I struggle.  There are circumstances and behaviors that I want to control, and when I can't I experience frustration and disappointment.  I am a perfectly imperfect mama.  Thankfully, God gives his grace to me in this journey too.  That evening, after the interaction with my son, I felt more at peace with the child I had in mind when I prayed my prayer of desperation.  I loved her more patiently.  I answered her more gently.  I squeezed her longer and took more time to tuck her in.  Surely I am learning that a place of desperation is nothing more than an opportunity in disguise.  

Linking up with Holley Gerth and Jennifer Dukes Lee today

Endless Love

I drove down the road, sobbing salty tears of frustration and discouragement.  Once again, I felt like such a failure.  Letting out an exhausted sigh as I parked my car at the craft store, I doused my eyes with saline to mask my miserable mama's cry.  I felt lousy and weary, but I was no stranger to those feelings. 

(continue reading my story at The Ruth Experience, where I am honored to guest post today)