Desperation, An Opportunity In Disguise

God, if I could have just one prayer answered concerning my mothering, it would be this:  please, please help me...change me...enable me to see and love my children through your eyes...please!  I'm desperately asking this of you.  I cannot love them on my own.

I uttered this prayer not long ago as I pondered attitudes and behaviors that I have encountered in my children that have perplexed me and left me feeling desperate.  Desperation.  Not the greatest starting point of a prayer of faith.  Or is it?  I can think of several biblical stories wherein the main character saw a prayer answered dramatically and speedily.  More times than not that character had finally come to a point of desperation.  

As I prayed and wept, I had one child in mind specifically.  To say I struggled with this one was putting it mildly.  Do I even like her?  I wonder if I should have ever become a mama?  I wish I had never become a mama.  I am so discouraged.  Why does everything turn into a battle?  I have no clue how to deal with her any longer.  There you have it:  the ugly, and yes...incredibly shameful place I was emotionally.  Those were statements I had thought or had spoken aloud to myself.  I felt unbelievably desperate.  Now, while I understand that a more seasoned mama may be thinking If you think you have it bad now, you haven't even approached the teen years...I am where I am and where I am is where I am.  Maybe mama, you can relate to how I felt, or maybe not.  Nonetheless, I think we all have experienced desperation before.  And I have decided it's a good launching pad for God to take over.

I had no idea that the same day I uttered this simple prayer to God, He would answer it in an unexpected way.  He answered it by giving me an opportunity.  And not even with the same child.

The school bus roared away as my oldest son meandered down the driveway.  After dropping his blue backpack on the bench he slowly unwrapped his granola bar.  I could tell something wasn't right.  He kept turning a paper over in his hands and reluctantly handed it to me, embarrassment shone in his deep brown eyes.  Somehow I got 10 demerits and I didn't even do anything!  I initially thought, What now?  The truth took a little longer to unravel.  He was partially guilty and partially innocent.  Regardless, some serious life lessons were going to result.  The most unfortunate of these was losing the privilege to attend the final fifth grade field trip...one I wished I could accompany him on because it sounded profoundly interesting!  I felt disappointed for him.  Honestly, I'm not certain that the punishment fit the crime in this case, but a consequence is a consequence and I am not going to bat for him on every issue.  He would have to suffer the consequence and learn from it.  

We talked, and I knew his dad would talk with him later.  He knew his wrong.  I peered out the kitchen window, watching him bounce the basketball in the driveway, and I hurt for him.  Oh, how I wished I could have been with him to remind him of good choices...and self-control...and consequences.  But he is on his own during the school day, facing tests of character regularly.  I couldn't change that.  Nor could I take away the sting of the consequence he would face.  But I could do something.  I could love him the way God loves me when I mess up royally--which can be a daily an hourly occurrence in my life!  Admittedly, I didn't ponder all of this until after my later interaction with him.

Before dinner, he came into the kitchen to collect the basket for our chickens' eggs, and he quietly whispered I'm sorry mom.  What are you sorry for?, I asked him.  I'm sorry that I got in trouble and for what I did.  That he would apologize to me--not one directly offended or wronged--showed me that he was remorseful and had already learned an incredible lesson.  I wrapped him in a bear hug.  I told him that I loved him no matter what!  He asked me if I would love him still even if he got 100 demerits.  I answered, without any hesitation, Yes.  I would love you even if you got 100 demerits.  I don't want you to.  I want you to make good choices so that your life is happy and fulfilled, because rules are in place for your good in the long run.  But I will always love you no matter what.

As he walked a little lighter to the chicken coop, I realized that God had unexpectedly answered my earlier prayer.  Does God ever move in my life as I expect him to?  He gave me a surprising opportunity to show love and grace to my child, as he continually showers me with love and grace.  I make poor choices.  I use my tongue as a sword.  I lash out when I feel frustrated.  I blame others when I need to admit my wrong.  I disappoint myself and God more times than I care to admit.  And each time I do, He reminds me that I am loved and there is grace.  There is grace to try again.  There is grace to start anew.  There is grace to seek forgiveness.  There is grace to wipe away the stains of my mistakes.  He doesn't lecture or berate me.  He loves me and he embraces me with tender mercy and grace.  I was able to do that for my son, without any hesitation.  I was able to see him and love him through the eyes of God.  

My own mama's eyes are often critical and fault-finding.  God is changing me.  He is transforming the way that I love my children.  I wish it came more naturally to me, to love them as God loves me.  But admittedly, I struggle.  There are circumstances and behaviors that I want to control, and when I can't I experience frustration and disappointment.  I am a perfectly imperfect mama.  Thankfully, God gives his grace to me in this journey too.  That evening, after the interaction with my son, I felt more at peace with the child I had in mind when I prayed my prayer of desperation.  I loved her more patiently.  I answered her more gently.  I squeezed her longer and took more time to tuck her in.  Surely I am learning that a place of desperation is nothing more than an opportunity in disguise.  

Linking up with Holley Gerth and Jennifer Dukes Lee today

Perfectly Complete

So will you be nice for the rest of your life Ella?  *sigh* I'll try.  Okay, I'll try to be nice for the rest of my life too and then we can be best friends!

 This was an interaction I overheard between my five and seven year old daughters not long ago. It was an easy-going Saturday morning and they were playing an imaginative horse game together. They were getting along so beautifully.  In a moment of realization that they were having nothing but fun, Tessa wanted the promise that this would continue.  I heard my older daughter's reluctant sigh as she promised to try.  Unfortunately, they both have since failed.

They come by failure easily.  Not the failure to succeed.  No, not even the failure to be nice.  They both share in this failure, however, to be perfect!  It runs in the family. I too have suffered with this failure to be perfect!  What is upsetting is that so early on, this pressure to be perfect is evident.  I've seen it in my oldest son too.  I am likely more than half to blame for this.  (And my husband is probably the other half...or the bigger half, right?!).  I struggle to understand how or where exactly it comes from, but I remember feeling it as a young girl too.

So although it would be easy to blame myself--as a mama--for this pressure or need to be perfect in a couple of my children, I think it is more complex than that.  I think somehow that this pressure to be perfect, to never fail, is innate in some of us.  Wasn't it initially evident in the Garden of Eden?*  That is, after all, how the serpent tempted Eve.  You will be like God, he said.  And that notion met with her vulnerability and she succombed to the temptation.  At first, man and woman were both naked and unashamed.  My guess is that that nakedness was also a picture of our vulnerability...our human imperfections.  Eve was okay with her imperfections until the serpent caused her to wonder if she could possibly be perfect like God.  Well, we know how that turned out.  And how it still turns out today!

Many of us, men and women alike, are plagued with this pressure to be perfect.  Some of us (like my oldest son and oldest daughter...like myself) experience the inner-workings of this pressure early on.  We internally struggle to make peace with what we know will never happen.  Whether it eventually exhibits itself in academic performance, hobbies, work, parenting, church activities, or just being nice forever to our little sister...the struggle is real!  And the knowing that perfection will never fully be achieved isn't where we find peace at all!

The peace we perfectionists need--we all need--can only come from God.  This peace comes from knowing that God never expects us to be perfect!  He wants us to be complete.  He never wanted us to bear the heavy burden of perfectionism.  His yoke is easy and His burden is light.* This was the gentle answer to my heart's cry not long ago.   I had cried out to God in angst:  Why is it so hard?  Why can't I do this mama thing right?  Why do I try and try and try and still fall so short?  The truth is that I  was asking the wrong questions!  God knew I would fail time and time again.  He knows that I will fall short and miss the mark.  He knew it would be impossibly difficult in my own strength.  The question I should have been asking was:  Do you expect me to do this thing perfectly all the time, God?  And of course the easy answer is No!  He whispered to me, My yoke is easy and my burden is light!*

So that is my endeavor as a mama to these five beautiful children:  I want to teach them...and show them...that God doesn't expect perfection from them.  He expects them to trust Him and give Him each and every burden and pressure.  We were always meant to eat of life.  We were always meant to experience our fulfillment and joy through God alone.  We were never meant to act His part--in our lives or in the lives of another!  So when my oldest daughter feels the weight of not being perfectly nice all the time, I will remind her that God never expected that of her.  He doesn't expect it of me either!  He expects our willingness to trust in Him and give Him our hearts.  He will do the rest!  He who began a good work in us will complete it!*  He will perfectly complete us.

*Genesis 3:1-7 ESV; Matthew 11:30 ESV; Philippians 1:6 ESV

Some great reads about freedom from perfectionism:
You’re Loved No Matter What: Freeing Your Heart from the Need to Be Perfect

Love Idol by Jennifer Dukes Lee

You're Already Amazing by Holley Gerth


I'm having Coffee For Your Heart with my friend Holley Gerth today

Patience Prevails

I could have reached around and smooched him while driving!  Of course, safety prevailed.  My nine year old son was in the car with me and my baby, making a quick pit stop before heading home to prepare dinner for the rest of the gang.  He had been talking with his Dad and brother just the day before in regard to their excitement about playing catch outside once it gets warmer.  Luke has a couple baseballs, and although he has not played on a team, he enjoys playing catch in our yard with his Dad.  They had determined he still needed a mitt.

After we completed a quick errand, my ever-predictable Luke asked, "Mom, I don't know if this will be a yes or a no," (his precursor to every question in which he asks for something) "...but is there a place near here that sells baseball mitts?"  Unfortunately, due to our time crunch (and my motherly instinct to help Luke with patience), I answered "I'm not sure buddy but we're not buying a glove today."  "Ah man, I just really wanted to get one."  I told him I understood that, but that he would just have to be patient.  He responded so honestly with "I know.  That's just hard for me."

His genuine admission of struggle was enough to melt my heart.  I couldn't have loved him more at that moment.  I shared with him how I sometimes have a hard time with patience myself.  Okay, maybe sometimes isn't quite it; I often struggle with patience, in one area or another.  But that's not the reason I loved his confession.  I loved it simply for its sheer honesty.

Luke likes stuff.  Anyone who really knows him knows this is true.  Luke also struggles a great deal in times when he has to wait for stuff.  And if he gets an idea about new stuff, he prefers said stuff to be accessible immediately.  We try to balance allowing the opportunities for developing patience with occasions for blessing and rewarding him.

He had another opportunity to exercise patience this past Sunday at church. I had ordered my older son a hoodie with our church name and logo on it.  He doesn't ask for stuff often and I knew he really wanted this (plus the proceeds go to the church Missions Fund).  When we went to pick up Jaden's hoodie, Luke was quick to ask for one too.  I took him over to the table to look at colors and we placed an order.  When the lady helping us told us it should be there the following Sunday, Luke responded with "I have to wait a whole week?!"  I said "Buddy, you just have to be patient." He exclaimed "Hey! Patience is our 'bottom-line' this week!" In his children's church class they were discussing patience.  I thought to myself, it's about time! (Smirk)

He had to wait for something else that afternoon and it wasn't long before he appeared a bit somber.  He brightened later when he told me he had finally come up with the perfect idea for his 3rd grade Consumer Fair project.  I watched his face light up as he told me all about his idea...it really is pretty cute!  Snow falling fast outside, he asked if we could please go get the supplies so he could get to work right away.  Now, mind you, my previous day had felt nonstop as I juggled kids, chores, a recovering sickie, and baking while my husband was at an all-day training (and I am a mama who needs plenty of downtime).  This was Sunday afternoon (our day of rest):  the baby was down for a nap, and I wanted nothing more than one myself!  But this time...this time I couldn't bring myself to remind him to be patient.  Here came the time for balance.  (And the natural part of parenthood wherein you long to do good things for your children just because you love them!)  So away we went!  We had a fun time shopping together, just the two of us.  We even split a pack of Mentos!  We returned home (baby boy now wide awake and crawling with lightning speed toward this tired mama), and my son excitedly shed his coat and shoes and began his project.  Because this time, his previous patience had been rewarded!

Samples of Luke's "Messenger Bird Magnets" for the Evergreen Elementary 3rd grade Consumer Fair

It has since occurred to me that this is how God deals with us too.  Yes, as they say, patience is a virtue!  And truly, patience develops character.  Patience is a good teacher for all of us.  But even God rewards our patience for bigger stuff with smaller stuff.  And no, it's not always "stuff" that we are waiting on!

My husband and I have been wanting to build an addition onto this old farmhouse.  We are not trying to keep up with the Jones's.  I just think life would be a whole lot easier with more than one bathtub for seven people.  And a dining room (and table) big enough for our whole family would be super too!  It has yet to be feasible.  We must continue to be patient.  But recently, we sold our wood pellet burner which took up a good deal of floor space in our living room.  This enabled us to rearrange furniture and make room for our dining table.  Now--hooray!--you can enter the front door and the foyer without running smack dab into the dining room table!  I can't fully express just how happy this makes me!  I was also able to purchase some small items for our home that have been on my "Want to Purchase for the House" list.  My husband was also able to recently purchase enough wood to begin the trim-work for our entire downstairs.  These small rewards for our bigger patience are nice.  

While Luke had opportunity after opportunity to practice patience, it was a reminder to me of how often I am the same way.  Just like a child who constantly wants more.  In aiding Luke to practice patience regularly, and then--in an act of simple love, rewarding his patience--I realized how our loving heavenly Father is also gently teaching us.  And when we fail to be patient?  No worries!  We will certainly be afforded another opportunity!  But guess what?  God is patient with us as we learn to wait on Him!

I'm having Coffee For Your Heart with my friend Holley Gerth

He Loves the Waves

Last week our family was in Destin, Florida on our first-ever family vacation.  What a beautiful beach it is!  We learned that this has been voted the number one beach in America.  It was easy to see why.  The water is so crystal clear.  At any point during the day you are able to see so many different shades of blue and green.  And the sand is clean, soft, and white...perfect!  The first two days we were there the waves were so calm; we assumed this was how it must always be.  But the third day, the waves were very strong and coming in differently....with force!

We were discussing the waves, the beach, and the tides as we took one of our daily early-morning walks, when my Tessa said, "Jesus loves the waves!  They're familiar."  Ya know, sometimes your child says something and you think How did she come up with that?!  Not one of those quirky kids-say-the-darnedest-things.  And not even something that she is parroting from a classmate, teacher...or parent.  No.  Once in a while, one of my children says something that stops me dead in my tracks.  Something about the innocence of her stance and the deliberation of her tone tells me I need to take heed.  And I did.  I have.  I have chewed on this one declaration over and over since it came from her sweet lips:  Jesus loves the waves!  They're familiar.

And you know what?  She is absolutely right!  Jesus lived and traveled by the sea.  Jesus was never nervous on the boat when the storm was present and the waves enormous.  He slept while the disciples fretted.  And what's more, metaphorically speaking, Jesus came to make waves.  He was very familiar with that.  He made his parents nervous at the tender age of twelve when he stayed behind at the temple; he said "didn't you know I'd be about my Father's business?"*  Jesus overturned the money changer's tables in the synagogue and he overturned their theologies too.  He was always about His Father's business!  Incidentally, His Father's business was so often about making waves!  Familiar?  Yes....to Jesus.  Predictable or safe?  No.  Just as we warned our children about those strong waves:  you can't trust yourself or your own strength in those waves....even if you think you can.

In our own lives--and with the many waves that come--we can't trust ourselves!  We need to put our trust in the One who is familiar with the waves.  He can handle them.  He allows them.  He is the Creator, Author, and Finisher and He alone can handle the waves.  He can calm them or He can hold, protect, and remind us gently of His presence while they roll and roar.  Although I don't always understand why He chooses to allow some waves in our lives to grow so strong, I'm learning to trust.  When the disciples were fearful at sea, in the midst of the storm, they finally called on Jesus.  They had Him with them all along.  They could have been at peace, while the Prince of Peace was with them...safe with their Savior!  But they didn't trust or choose peace.  At times, neither do I.  

When the waves in my life grow strong, so often I cower in fear and trust in my own knowledge or feelings, rather than lean into the arms of the One who can handle the waves.  He loves the waves.  As I have contemplated the words of my 5 year old, I think I understand.  When the waves get stronger, I need Him more.  And when they become fierce--though my soul may be in anguish--I lean on Him like never before.  After I come out of the storm and the strong waves, I look back in reflection and realize that those have been the times when I've pressed into Him the closest.  I may be fearful alright.  I may feel tossed and shaken.  I may have desperately cried from deep within.  But without the mighty and unpredictable waves--those ones that are familiar to Jesus, I would not cling so strongly to Him. 

At first, when she said "Jesus loves the waves!" I felt a bit uncomfortable with that statement.  The audacity of it!  How can he?  How can He love something that shakes and whips me about?  How can he love something that creates such desperation within me?  But if I'm honest, I get it!  He wants us to need Him.  He wants us to cling to Him.  He doesn't want us to ever get so confident on the waters that we forget to depend on Him....the Creator of the tides.  And I'm learning this.  Day after day after day.  Just when I think I'm capable...He allows the tide to turn.  And the tide always turns.  I have to learn complete and utter dependence on Him!  Sometimes the tide turns in my favor.  Sometimes it whips me in a direction I never thought I'd go.  Sometimes it wipes me out and flips me upside down, gasping for relief.  And at times, the waves are hardly more than ripples.  He allows the calm too.  That's just it.  He is the Creator of the tides.  He loves the waves and yes, they are familiar.  He knows the end from the beginning.  The test is in the middle of the waves.  But the answer is always the same.  He is familiar with the waves.  He alone can allow the tide to turn.  He alone can calm the sea.

Father, help me to trust and hold onto you in the midst of the ocean waves of my life.  Calm or fierce.  Strong or small.  Let me cling to You and depend on you alone.  You love the waves because they create in me a dependence on You alone.  You are my source and my  strength.  Help me find my rest...riding out life's waves with You.  


*Luke 2:49

I'm having Coffee For Your Heart with my friend Holley Gerth

So Many Hopes and Dreams

So many prayers for my children are continually running through my head.  So many hopes and dreams.  Not necessarily dreams of success, but dreams of peace, joy, love (and more love), grace, and mercy.  I hope and pray that they will stay close with each other; this life can be so tough and we need our loved ones.  Life can chew us up and spit us out.  When that happens, we need the comfort and safety of those who have loved us for so long.  True, we find family in many different places, but God has given us a family from the beginning.  I watch my children play, work, eat, and build together.  I see them fight and then forgive and I envision that this will always be so.  Let them always love each other.  Let them always be there for each other.  Help them learn to forgive one another because there will always be a need to do so.  There are some friends who are truly like brothers and sisters to us and that is a wonderful gift, but I long for my children to be friends also!  Let them remember that a true friend loves at all times! 

I hope that they can learn how to extend grace and mercy to one another.  I am well aware of how often we let others down.  We disappoint those with whom we are so close, those who we love--sometimes without even realizing this.  We fall down, make poor choices, forget what we were taught, forget to extend the love, grace, and mercy that we ourselves so desperately need.  Let my children never become so full of themselves that they forget to extend love, especially when it is undeserved.  Let my children see in others--in one another--the God who loved them so much that he breathed life into their physical bodies.  Let them never forget that we rarely deserve the love we are so freely given; it's a gift and we are responsible to give it back.

I hope that my children will grow to see beauty all around them...because it's there!  I hope that they will approach life with curiosity, creativity, laughter, and vitality.  Life holds so many possibilities.  Allow my children to see the potential in their own lives and the lives of each person they encounter.  You never know when you may meet your best friend, see the most breath-taking sunset, make the deal of lifetime, or encounter an opportunity that changes everything.  I pray that my children will awaken each day of their lives fully aware that opportunities are all around and that they come in many forms.  Sometimes our greatest triumphs are born out of our weakest moments or worst nightmares.  No matter what life throws at my children, I pray that they will learn to live free from regrets.  I hope that they learn to release failures, forgiving themselves.

I hope that they experience love, joy, and laughter.  Laughter truly is such a medicine for our soul.  Some of my most tender and difficult struggles in life have been lightened by true joy and laughter.  We are never promised, in this life, to be without pain or struggle.  If we find those with whom we can laugh and experience true love and joy, we have found a treasure.  In every season of my childrens' lives, I pray that they have the closeness of friends and loved ones with whom they can laugh.  May they learn to love life!  May they learn to embrace the storms of life just as much as they welcome the joys.  I truly hope that my children will always know how to play.  How much more wonderful is this life when we can find ways to play and gulp it up!  Let them find joy in the simple pleasures and delights; let them learn to be content at all times.

The Mom in me, who loves my children so purely and so deeply, could go on and on and on.  And I will...in the privacy of my own thoughts, dreams, and prayer times.  No one can love your children better than you.  There is a reason they were placed in your care.  Never doubt this.  While reading a fiction book earlier this week, I stumbled across a truth that spoke volumes to me.  No matter where we go or what we do, we are connected to our children.  This fictional character--a mom--looked around the room full of strangers where she was, alone, and noted, "These people here, they looked at her and thought she was alone, she whose children were with her even in her dreams."  That is what it's like to be a mom.  We are never truly alone.  We are never apart from our children.  Our hopes, dreams, and prayers for them are the purest ones because God entrusted us with their precious lives...for a time.

(quote from Erica Bauermeister)