I've been determined to do some writing over the past few days, but I keep allowing other distractions--or in some cases, other priorities--to deter me. I determined this afternoon, after tending to some responsibilities; doing some reading and studying; and allowing my son a chunk of time to explore Lego.com, that I would absolutely sit down and write a new entry in my blog. As I sat in front of my computer, I was at a loss for words. I know, I know! This seems highly unlikely! There are many, many thoughts, ideas, and dreams turning around and around in my head, but I seem unable to grasp just one good idea to chew on. I feel a bit distracted! Then I realize, this is truly one of the most real essences of any mom.
For me, this is a reality of being a mom of 4 young children. I am busy even when we are not busy. I'm sure most moms (and many dads) can relate! Very seldom do I collapse in bed at the end of a busy day, breathe a sigh of relief, and declare "I'm glad it's all done now!" Nope! That is simply not my reality. Not to say that I go to bed each evening with responsibilities weighing heavily on my mind. But, I am fully aware that just as tomorrow is a new day full of potential and promise, it also holds unfinished laundry, floors that need swept, bathrooms that need cleaned, projects that need tackled, and more plowing through certain behavioral issues with my children. There are priorities...and there are distractions. There are musts and there are maybes.
My job is to exercise wisdom in how and what to tackle first. My challenge is to live at peace with the right-now moment of my life. I need for the striving to cease. I need to learn to inhale...and exhale...the forever peace that comes from knowing that God knows right where I'm at and He knows all about my world. If He expected me to be at the finish line, then I wouldn't be here. I am a work in progress! My husband is a work in progress! My children are works in progress! And, there will always be inconveniences, failures, upsets, and distractions in my world. What I do with them is the real question.
I can strive and push to accomplish more and more and more. Sure! (And I can run like the hamster in the wheel, endlessly striving to get somewhere while only growing more and more tired.) Or, I can choose peace. I can choose to rest in each moment just exactly as it is. I can accept the fact that while attempting to read even just one chapter (in a somewhat secluded part of my house) I will still encounter interruptions from an excited 7 yr. old about the points he racked up in the online Lego game he just learned. I can accept that while I sit down to write or journal for a brief time, I will have a 3 yr. old who wants to sell me things in her pretend store, or crawl behind me in my computer chair to play with my hair. I can accept that while all kids are seemingly otherwise occupied and I sneak off to run a couple miles on my treadmill, that I will have a little one who wants to come watch me (and of course, needs me to stop frequently to put a new article of clothing on her baby). My time is really not my own! And this is okay! At this time in my life, my time is not really my own!
The reality is that when I said "I do" to motherhood, what I really said was "I am giving my time away...for a while." I am fully okay with this; it is not a drudgery. I wanted and I want to be a mom! What I have never wanted was the constant pull of trying to live one life while desiring another one. "All of our deepest desires are our soul's way of calling us back to simply being all of who we are." All of who I am supposed to be is exactly what I want to be. One of my very deepest and most meaningful desires is that I would be a loving, affirming, faithful, wise, gentle, patient, and kind mom to these 4 lives in which I've been entrusted. This is of the utmost importance to me because other lives are directly affected by my life's actions. So...I want to be all of who I am supposed to be. In this, I can have peace. If I am fighting with this life that I am living right now (along with all of the quirky circumstances), I will miss the beauty of it. I'm sure of that. I don't want to live with regret. I don't want to look back on the brief days of raising my young children and realize that all I did was fight to flee that time. What a sad realization that would be!
So, I am going to choose peace in the midst of everything that vies for my attention today. I am going to stop reading to give a hug. I am going to stop typing to listen to a story. I am going to stop scrubbing the floor to pour a glass of juice. I am going to stop running to put a dress on a doll. I am going to remember that for right now, my time is not really my own. I am going to cease living in another moment. I am going to make this my forever goal. I want to live with my children and my family in this moment, in today! I don't know what may try to distract me tomorrow or even in the next hour--as I'm sure that something will--but that is part of this thing called motherhood. I'm okay with it.
*quote by Oriah
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Let Someone Else Shovel!
You know, as mamas, we are forever busy taking care of others. It's okay, it's more than okay! We were made to handle it. Most of us are at our best when we are nurturing, comforting, providing for, or helping others. This is our most natural sense of self. But, there are those times when it may be emotionally or perhaps physically impossible for us to be the ones doing the caring for and nurturing. These may even be the same times that we need someone to care for us!
Recently I found myself in this very circumstance. About a week ago, I developed flu symptoms. Before I knew it, I was in the grips of a full-fledged flu and it knocked me down....literally! I did little more than leave the couch to visit the bathroom for 4 days. Thankfully, my husband was available for most of the time with the exception of his work-day on Friday. In fact, an ice storm on Sunday evening caused a power outage early Monday; by Monday afternoon, we found ourselves at my husband's parents' house for an overnight stay. Little did I know it at the time, but even this was a blessing in disguise. My husband took great care of me and the kids while I was sick. Once at my mother-in-law's, she and my father-in-law took care of the kids and let me get further rest and recuperation. They even offered to keep our kids an additional night so that I could rest at home on Wednesday! Really, this flu bug had wiped me out and I needed every bit of extra rest available to me!
During this time, my eyes were opened to some simple truths. Mamas need to sit down and be taken care of now and then. I know, it should be an agreeable truth, but our very mama-instinct internally shouts "No!" to this. We still want to be the ones extending the helping hand, offering suggestions, planning meals; it's tough to give up this role...even when we need to! When my husband was here, I was fully aware that the kitchen wasn't being cleaned to my specifications (though I definitely appreciated all he did), but I had no choice but to be still. I physically did not have enough energy to protest. I think my husband actually got a kick out of me being forced to be still--to not get up and fix everything--and it was good for me to see that the whole house would not crumble if I wasn't in charge!
When I heard my kids bickering at Grandma's house, everything in me wanted to run downstairs and attempt to settle the dispute...but I was too exhausted. So I would lie in bed and hope that conflicts would be resolved, and you know what? They were! My presence was not absolutely necessary. Would the meals be prepared exactly as I would have prepared them? No. But they were certainly fed! I know, this seems over-the-top obvious, but when you are accustomed to being the one constantly running the cruise ship, it's tough to turn the stern over to another. But it is a good thing to have to do. Personally, I think I put so much pride in what I do and am able to juggle as a mom, that it has been a healthy experience for me to see that, although things were functioning differently in my so-called absence, they were functioning! Everyone was getting along just fine. Not to suggest that moms are not needed, but I believe that if we are doing what we do best when we are able, then everyone will get along fine when we are unable.
The other truth that I learned (or re-learned) is that mamas need extra love and tlc too! And, it's there for us when we need it. It may come in ways that surprise us or we wouldn't readily choose for ourselves, but it will be there. When our power went out I didn't think, "Oh yay! Now I can get a day off from my responsibilities and visit my in-laws." No, I was frustrated and my gut reaction was "Now this too?! On top of the flu, now we have no power!" I was less than enthusiastic when I reluctantly began packing our bags to spend the night elsewhere. But, it was a blessing (for me) in disguise! My kids had fun too!
Today, I am feeling much better, but God gave me yet another reminder that He looks after and cares for His mommies. We were slammed with an additional 6-8 inches of snow overnight...on top of slush! My husband had to leave for out-of-town meetings very early--too early to shovel--and I need to leave with the kids later this evening. I looked outside as I donned my winter gear and sighed, "I can't believe I have to do this and I'm still not feeling 100%." I attempted to shovel the sidewalk. I struggled! I shoveled off the porch. I could barely catch my breath (still coughing from the effects of this flu bug!). This was going to be so tough and I just may die! I really felt like I might just collapse and someone would have to shovel me up! I took a break inside; fixed my kids lunch; ate a sandwich; and sat down briefly at my computer to glance at a social networking site. I made a comment "Where are those teenage boys who offer to shovel? I have CASH!" Within a short time, a friend from church recommended her teenage son's shoveling services to me; he gave me his number; we talked on the phone; and he knocked on my door an hour later! What a relief! He was a polite young man and I'm sure he was happy to earn a little extra money. I am so happy that I didn't have to go back out there!
Moreover, I had one additional reminder--in case I'm ever tempted to forget--that God sees His mamas' needs! He knows where I live. He knows what I need. He never forgets about me. As Kari Jobe sings, "I know that [He] will never forsake me in my weaknesses." I am pretty sure that my kids are glad I'm moving around again; making their meals; making sure they have clean socks to put on. But, it was good and healthy for me to be reminded that I'm not the one who makes their world go 'round! It has been just as encouraging for me to be reminded that I have a God who sees my needs, who meets me when I'm at my weakest! He provides just the right help at just the right time, and I'm so grateful!
Recently I found myself in this very circumstance. About a week ago, I developed flu symptoms. Before I knew it, I was in the grips of a full-fledged flu and it knocked me down....literally! I did little more than leave the couch to visit the bathroom for 4 days. Thankfully, my husband was available for most of the time with the exception of his work-day on Friday. In fact, an ice storm on Sunday evening caused a power outage early Monday; by Monday afternoon, we found ourselves at my husband's parents' house for an overnight stay. Little did I know it at the time, but even this was a blessing in disguise. My husband took great care of me and the kids while I was sick. Once at my mother-in-law's, she and my father-in-law took care of the kids and let me get further rest and recuperation. They even offered to keep our kids an additional night so that I could rest at home on Wednesday! Really, this flu bug had wiped me out and I needed every bit of extra rest available to me!
During this time, my eyes were opened to some simple truths. Mamas need to sit down and be taken care of now and then. I know, it should be an agreeable truth, but our very mama-instinct internally shouts "No!" to this. We still want to be the ones extending the helping hand, offering suggestions, planning meals; it's tough to give up this role...even when we need to! When my husband was here, I was fully aware that the kitchen wasn't being cleaned to my specifications (though I definitely appreciated all he did), but I had no choice but to be still. I physically did not have enough energy to protest. I think my husband actually got a kick out of me being forced to be still--to not get up and fix everything--and it was good for me to see that the whole house would not crumble if I wasn't in charge!
When I heard my kids bickering at Grandma's house, everything in me wanted to run downstairs and attempt to settle the dispute...but I was too exhausted. So I would lie in bed and hope that conflicts would be resolved, and you know what? They were! My presence was not absolutely necessary. Would the meals be prepared exactly as I would have prepared them? No. But they were certainly fed! I know, this seems over-the-top obvious, but when you are accustomed to being the one constantly running the cruise ship, it's tough to turn the stern over to another. But it is a good thing to have to do. Personally, I think I put so much pride in what I do and am able to juggle as a mom, that it has been a healthy experience for me to see that, although things were functioning differently in my so-called absence, they were functioning! Everyone was getting along just fine. Not to suggest that moms are not needed, but I believe that if we are doing what we do best when we are able, then everyone will get along fine when we are unable.
The other truth that I learned (or re-learned) is that mamas need extra love and tlc too! And, it's there for us when we need it. It may come in ways that surprise us or we wouldn't readily choose for ourselves, but it will be there. When our power went out I didn't think, "Oh yay! Now I can get a day off from my responsibilities and visit my in-laws." No, I was frustrated and my gut reaction was "Now this too?! On top of the flu, now we have no power!" I was less than enthusiastic when I reluctantly began packing our bags to spend the night elsewhere. But, it was a blessing (for me) in disguise! My kids had fun too!
Today, I am feeling much better, but God gave me yet another reminder that He looks after and cares for His mommies. We were slammed with an additional 6-8 inches of snow overnight...on top of slush! My husband had to leave for out-of-town meetings very early--too early to shovel--and I need to leave with the kids later this evening. I looked outside as I donned my winter gear and sighed, "I can't believe I have to do this and I'm still not feeling 100%." I attempted to shovel the sidewalk. I struggled! I shoveled off the porch. I could barely catch my breath (still coughing from the effects of this flu bug!). This was going to be so tough and I just may die! I really felt like I might just collapse and someone would have to shovel me up! I took a break inside; fixed my kids lunch; ate a sandwich; and sat down briefly at my computer to glance at a social networking site. I made a comment "Where are those teenage boys who offer to shovel? I have CASH!" Within a short time, a friend from church recommended her teenage son's shoveling services to me; he gave me his number; we talked on the phone; and he knocked on my door an hour later! What a relief! He was a polite young man and I'm sure he was happy to earn a little extra money. I am so happy that I didn't have to go back out there!
Moreover, I had one additional reminder--in case I'm ever tempted to forget--that God sees His mamas' needs! He knows where I live. He knows what I need. He never forgets about me. As Kari Jobe sings, "I know that [He] will never forsake me in my weaknesses." I am pretty sure that my kids are glad I'm moving around again; making their meals; making sure they have clean socks to put on. But, it was good and healthy for me to be reminded that I'm not the one who makes their world go 'round! It has been just as encouraging for me to be reminded that I have a God who sees my needs, who meets me when I'm at my weakest! He provides just the right help at just the right time, and I'm so grateful!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
The Value of the Valleys
I've had cause lately to consider the valleys in our lives. This isn't entirely personal, but I have given personal reflection to it. I was reading a wonderful devotional passage yesterday by Marjorie Holmes and the prayer she wrote at the end was, "Father, grant me the patience to see the value of the valleys, as well as the joys of the mountaintops." This really spoke to me. She referenced our heart (the largest organ in our body) and how it contracts and expands just to work properly day in and day out. So it is with our very lives! So it is in my life. So it is in my dealings with my children.
Most of us agree that our character is defined by the valleys in our lives. Anyone can celebrate and exude joyfulness and thankfulness when times are good. But, who are you when times are tough? How are you toward others--those you love and don't like so much--when life is rough? How is your outlook on life when it seems like the valley is where you have been for way too long? We all want the mountaintops, along with the mountaintop views, but we forget that we must climb up there! Before we climb each mountain, we rest (and sometimes camp) in the valley. The valley provides us a really good view also, and time for reflection and necessary preparation.
I'm not an experienced mountain climber, but I have done some hiking. I spent some time in Switzerland during the summer of my senior year in college and did some beautiful hiking there. I couldn't wait to get to the higher place on this one particular mountain. However, it wasn't long before I realized how tough this climb was. At the higher altitudes, it was more difficult to breathe. At times, the climb seemed so steep and treacherous that I just wanted it to be over! Don't get me wrong, the higher we climbed, the more beautiful the view was (when I actually stopped to look). But, in all honesty, I enjoyed my rest in the valley even more than the climb to the top of the mountain. Sure, the mountaintop was breath-taking, but I couldn't stay there forever. It wasn't reality. It was temporary. Such it is with most things in life. Momentous victories are wonderful and breath-taking, but we don't live there. I'm not suggesting that we settle for living in the valleys either, for we need both, but there is value in the valleys!
Billy Graham said, "Mountaintops are for views and inspirations, but fruit is grown in the valleys." This is true too. Who we are is tested when we are down in the dust, on even plains. We can dream here too. Yes, we can dream on the mountains, but let's not forget we must first do the hard work of climbing them. I'll admit that as a mom, I have such dreams and desires for my children; I want them to live on mountaintops! But, I have enough sense to admit that such an existence wouldn't even be healthy. They must go through the times in the valleys just as I must. In my parenting, I need to learn to embrace the valleys also.
Boy, sometimes it is anything but nice. Sometimes, in the valley of my children's defiant behavior, whiny attitudes, or bickering nature, all I want is a nice juicy slice of pineapple. There are the moments, hours....days when it seems that the fruit will never ripen. I wonder when we will head up the mountain. I wonder when I will see the victory of my hard work. I wonder when they will show me that they actually have learned a lesson. Then it happens! I see a victory, or at least a victorious moment or situation. It feels wonderful on the mountaintop and I feel like heaven is near! These times are beautiful! But, I can honestly say that these mountaintop moments really wouldn't be much to celebrate if the valley didn't feel so endless at times. I'm not so sure that I would enjoy the mountaintop views either, if I didn't have the valleys to look at once I am there. When I'm on the mountain, I can easily appreciate my time in the valley. When I'm on the mountain, enjoying a crispy ripe apple, I remember how it was grown while in the valley.
So my personal challenge is to remember that there is purpose--there is value--in the valley. When I am tempted to complain, fret, become frustrated, or even run up the hill instead, I hope I choose to reflect on the purpose of the work done in the valley. The valleys in my life don't always look so beautiful when I'm in them, but they make the mountaintop view that much more splendid. My personal challenge is to accept that there are days when there is much work to be done in the valley. But I know I will not remain here always. Just like the heart that is in perfect balance, expanding and contracting, so it is with my life...and so it is with my work as a mom.
Most of us agree that our character is defined by the valleys in our lives. Anyone can celebrate and exude joyfulness and thankfulness when times are good. But, who are you when times are tough? How are you toward others--those you love and don't like so much--when life is rough? How is your outlook on life when it seems like the valley is where you have been for way too long? We all want the mountaintops, along with the mountaintop views, but we forget that we must climb up there! Before we climb each mountain, we rest (and sometimes camp) in the valley. The valley provides us a really good view also, and time for reflection and necessary preparation.
I'm not an experienced mountain climber, but I have done some hiking. I spent some time in Switzerland during the summer of my senior year in college and did some beautiful hiking there. I couldn't wait to get to the higher place on this one particular mountain. However, it wasn't long before I realized how tough this climb was. At the higher altitudes, it was more difficult to breathe. At times, the climb seemed so steep and treacherous that I just wanted it to be over! Don't get me wrong, the higher we climbed, the more beautiful the view was (when I actually stopped to look). But, in all honesty, I enjoyed my rest in the valley even more than the climb to the top of the mountain. Sure, the mountaintop was breath-taking, but I couldn't stay there forever. It wasn't reality. It was temporary. Such it is with most things in life. Momentous victories are wonderful and breath-taking, but we don't live there. I'm not suggesting that we settle for living in the valleys either, for we need both, but there is value in the valleys!
Billy Graham said, "Mountaintops are for views and inspirations, but fruit is grown in the valleys." This is true too. Who we are is tested when we are down in the dust, on even plains. We can dream here too. Yes, we can dream on the mountains, but let's not forget we must first do the hard work of climbing them. I'll admit that as a mom, I have such dreams and desires for my children; I want them to live on mountaintops! But, I have enough sense to admit that such an existence wouldn't even be healthy. They must go through the times in the valleys just as I must. In my parenting, I need to learn to embrace the valleys also.
Boy, sometimes it is anything but nice. Sometimes, in the valley of my children's defiant behavior, whiny attitudes, or bickering nature, all I want is a nice juicy slice of pineapple. There are the moments, hours....days when it seems that the fruit will never ripen. I wonder when we will head up the mountain. I wonder when I will see the victory of my hard work. I wonder when they will show me that they actually have learned a lesson. Then it happens! I see a victory, or at least a victorious moment or situation. It feels wonderful on the mountaintop and I feel like heaven is near! These times are beautiful! But, I can honestly say that these mountaintop moments really wouldn't be much to celebrate if the valley didn't feel so endless at times. I'm not so sure that I would enjoy the mountaintop views either, if I didn't have the valleys to look at once I am there. When I'm on the mountain, I can easily appreciate my time in the valley. When I'm on the mountain, enjoying a crispy ripe apple, I remember how it was grown while in the valley.
So my personal challenge is to remember that there is purpose--there is value--in the valley. When I am tempted to complain, fret, become frustrated, or even run up the hill instead, I hope I choose to reflect on the purpose of the work done in the valley. The valleys in my life don't always look so beautiful when I'm in them, but they make the mountaintop view that much more splendid. My personal challenge is to accept that there are days when there is much work to be done in the valley. But I know I will not remain here always. Just like the heart that is in perfect balance, expanding and contracting, so it is with my life...and so it is with my work as a mom.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Adjust Your Expectations...You are Stronger Than You Think!
Last week I had a new experience of being a stay-at-home mom of 4 youngsters for 4 days while Daddy went on his first business trip. Approaching the week, I think that my husband may have been more concerned than I was. Of course, he was concerned about our overall safety, etc., but there was more to it: he was worried that the stress would be too much for me. In his defense, this is entirely my fault! I have come to depend on him immensely; I depend on the support of an outstanding father to my children all the time. He is immersed in their lives, adoring of them, and a constant help to me. The day-to-day stress of raising 4 children--home schooling also--can be quite a lot to handle at times. When the stress feels overwhelming, I know that I can depend on my husband to help relieve some of it for me. And he is glad to do so. I have many friends who could echo this about their husbands and it really is a blessing! Having said that, I too often release the cares of my day onto my husband, rather than onto the Lord. Not that it's wrong to share my feelings and experiences of the day, but when I dump them on my husband first (rather than in the lap of God), I am placing a burden on my husband. This burden, I believe, is not altogether wrong, but has the propensity to cause undue concern. So, the fact that my husband was probably more worried about how I'd do for 4 days without his help, is due to how I handle my role as a mom and....my expectations of how I handle this job!
I had a conversation with a good friend on the third night sans Daddy. She asked how things had been going. I had recently been asking myself that question. You see, on a day-to-day basis, I sometimes feel as though I may not make it to bedtime with my head screwed on. However, while preparing for my husband's business trip, I kept telling myself, "We will be just fine! I can do this!" So, my answer to her question was, "You know, it's been really fine!" "The kids have been behaving better than normal; they've played together nicely most of the time." "We've really been okay and I feel fine about the whole thing." As we talked, I told her it was as if God had allowed everything to go more smoothly since I'd been without Ron's help. She agreed that this could be, but she posed another thought, "Maybe you adjusted your expectations of yourself and so you've felt better about your time." Light bulb! I responded, "You know, you might be right!" "I kept telling myself we'd get through these days, and we're doing just fine!"
You know, our expectations of ourselves can be very complex. We think certain ways, therefore we talk certain ways...which leads us to think certain ways...and respond in certain ways. You see the pattern? You are what you eat, well maybe, but you really are what you speak! As one pastor said, we frame our world with our words! I am not taking any credit for this idea; it's been the topic of motivational speaking and Bible teaching forever. And there is truth to it! It's really not new to me, but this recent experience put it into new perspective. I have certain daily expectations of myself based on what I am thinking (or saying to myself). I react accordingly. I've had days that were really okay, overall, but I allowed just a few negative incidents to overshadow the entire day. By the time my husband walks through the door, I unload it all! (....as if I hardly survived it!) I know, how ridiculous! Then, I find myself irritated when he worries about me surviving 4 days with the kids without him! Well, this is my fault! You see, we also train other people to react to us based on what we expect of ourselves. Examine your relationships and you'll see that this is true! Sometimes, I feel disappointed that my in-laws don't offer to watch my kids more often (as they do for my husband's sisters). Ron reminds me that they probably assume I really don't need much help; you know, the squeaky wheel gets the oil! And, in this example, I present myself to his family as one who handles being a stay-at-home mom of 4 with little struggle. But, as I explained earlier, my husband has seen all of the emotions-on-edge.
This certainly could be a subject of intense study, and I'm not necessarily trying to dissect it all. But, as my friend and I talked (and the light bulb went off) I realized I could probably adjust my expectations for every day...and every situation. If I approached every day with the expectation of, "I can handle this~of course I can handle this~it's not too much," then how different might my attitude be at the end of the day! So, we got through my husband's time away without a hitch! We really did!
Then Sunday came, and you will not believe what the visiting Pastor at our church talked about. Ready for this? You can handle the pressure because you were made by Almighty God to handle it! I'm not making this up! He reminded us that we should not shy away from pressure (when the going gets tough) because we need it to perfect us! I am not going to re-preach his message, but I am literally shaking with excitement as I recall his words. Engineers test products for pressure-capacity (or something like that) and we are engineered by God in Heaven to handle what pressure comes our way too! When it seems like it's too much, that's good because we lean on the One who knows we'll get through! We've heard the cliche,"What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." Well, there is truth in those words! There is biblical truth, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful, he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." (1 Corinthians 10:13) I believe that part of that way out is speaking about ourselves what God says about us, despite what we feel, "Let the weak say 'I am strong'."
So, needless to say, I have been so encouraged and strengthened in these past few days. As much as my children and I missed my husband (and as glad as I am that he's safely home), I am so thankful that he left us for a few days! I could do it again! Even more amazing, I can do today! I can accomplish everything that I am supposed to do in this life because I am created in such a way that I am able to handle it! I can handle the pressure! All I have to do is adjust my expectations! All you have to do is adjust your expectations--you are stronger than you think!
I had a conversation with a good friend on the third night sans Daddy. She asked how things had been going. I had recently been asking myself that question. You see, on a day-to-day basis, I sometimes feel as though I may not make it to bedtime with my head screwed on. However, while preparing for my husband's business trip, I kept telling myself, "We will be just fine! I can do this!" So, my answer to her question was, "You know, it's been really fine!" "The kids have been behaving better than normal; they've played together nicely most of the time." "We've really been okay and I feel fine about the whole thing." As we talked, I told her it was as if God had allowed everything to go more smoothly since I'd been without Ron's help. She agreed that this could be, but she posed another thought, "Maybe you adjusted your expectations of yourself and so you've felt better about your time." Light bulb! I responded, "You know, you might be right!" "I kept telling myself we'd get through these days, and we're doing just fine!"
You know, our expectations of ourselves can be very complex. We think certain ways, therefore we talk certain ways...which leads us to think certain ways...and respond in certain ways. You see the pattern? You are what you eat, well maybe, but you really are what you speak! As one pastor said, we frame our world with our words! I am not taking any credit for this idea; it's been the topic of motivational speaking and Bible teaching forever. And there is truth to it! It's really not new to me, but this recent experience put it into new perspective. I have certain daily expectations of myself based on what I am thinking (or saying to myself). I react accordingly. I've had days that were really okay, overall, but I allowed just a few negative incidents to overshadow the entire day. By the time my husband walks through the door, I unload it all! (....as if I hardly survived it!) I know, how ridiculous! Then, I find myself irritated when he worries about me surviving 4 days with the kids without him! Well, this is my fault! You see, we also train other people to react to us based on what we expect of ourselves. Examine your relationships and you'll see that this is true! Sometimes, I feel disappointed that my in-laws don't offer to watch my kids more often (as they do for my husband's sisters). Ron reminds me that they probably assume I really don't need much help; you know, the squeaky wheel gets the oil! And, in this example, I present myself to his family as one who handles being a stay-at-home mom of 4 with little struggle. But, as I explained earlier, my husband has seen all of the emotions-on-edge.
This certainly could be a subject of intense study, and I'm not necessarily trying to dissect it all. But, as my friend and I talked (and the light bulb went off) I realized I could probably adjust my expectations for every day...and every situation. If I approached every day with the expectation of, "I can handle this~of course I can handle this~it's not too much," then how different might my attitude be at the end of the day! So, we got through my husband's time away without a hitch! We really did!
Then Sunday came, and you will not believe what the visiting Pastor at our church talked about. Ready for this? You can handle the pressure because you were made by Almighty God to handle it! I'm not making this up! He reminded us that we should not shy away from pressure (when the going gets tough) because we need it to perfect us! I am not going to re-preach his message, but I am literally shaking with excitement as I recall his words. Engineers test products for pressure-capacity (or something like that) and we are engineered by God in Heaven to handle what pressure comes our way too! When it seems like it's too much, that's good because we lean on the One who knows we'll get through! We've heard the cliche,"What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." Well, there is truth in those words! There is biblical truth, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful, he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." (1 Corinthians 10:13) I believe that part of that way out is speaking about ourselves what God says about us, despite what we feel, "Let the weak say 'I am strong'."
So, needless to say, I have been so encouraged and strengthened in these past few days. As much as my children and I missed my husband (and as glad as I am that he's safely home), I am so thankful that he left us for a few days! I could do it again! Even more amazing, I can do today! I can accomplish everything that I am supposed to do in this life because I am created in such a way that I am able to handle it! I can handle the pressure! All I have to do is adjust my expectations! All you have to do is adjust your expectations--you are stronger than you think!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Building Friendships
Okay, so I'm learning (while stumbling quite a bit) how to allow my children to develop their own relationships with one another. I have always had a desire--a strong desire--for my children to be friends. However, I understand that as much as I long for this, I cannot control it. I can steer them here and there but I cannot control the outcome. They are individuals with unique characteristics, views, and temperaments; they will develop relationships according to what works for them throughout life. Having said that, I really want them to like each other, enjoy each other's company, and to learn to be there for one another. What I am learning is that in order for these friendships to be built, I have to back off a bit.
There is a delicate balance, I believe, in allowing them to form their own type of friendship with one another, and helping them to resolve conflicts with one another. I have never wanted to be a hands-off or even permissive parent that leaves her children to fend for themselves, so to speak. I fear, in wanting to help them learn to work together appropriately and to resolve conflicts, that I have probably interfered now and then in opportunities for these relationships to form naturally. It is a delicate balance! I'm learning that it is good and healthy on occasion to allow them the opportunity to work out a conflict on their own. Of course, if I hear ear-piercing shreaks or furniture being overturned, I should intervene. However, when I have allowed for this, usually they work it out (even though from time to time there are raised voices or childish names being called). Generally, when they see that I am not running in the room to settle the dispute, they come to some sort of a compromise or way of making peace. Surprisingly, I think that even they prefer peace!
So, it is my goal to give myself the permission to back off a bit more often. And, I am purposing to afford my children more opportunities to learn to work and play together. Sometimes, when I least expect it I see evidence of their love for one another and their enjoyment in each other's company. Just this afternoon, Jaden and I had finished his home school work and he was putting together a Lego set. Luke was busy with a toy. I had just finished some yoga stretches with Ella (who always tries the stretches with me....and does fairly well for a 3 yr. old). Tessa was laughing at us and lying down by us from time to time. After this, I put gates at the stairs (so Tessa wouldn't attempt them) and ran upstairs for a super-quick mommy shower. (Yes, I am one of those awful moms who lets her children survive without her for 10 min. while she showers....with the bathroom door open so she can hear almost everything! And, yes, I have had to run downstairs in a towel with soap in my hair before!) Anyhow, as usual, when I turn off the water I listen carefully or call down to see how things are going. As I listened I heard soft talking and the sounds of pleasure...really! Not fighting or bickering! I quickly dressed and ran downstairs. All 4 were gathered in a close huddle around my daughter's tea set. They were arranging plates, napkins, and forks and placing them in the basket. They told me they were going on a picnic. Tessa, almost 19 mos. old, had no idea what she was doing but she was right there with her brothers and sister. I told them their rest-time would be soon, but they quickly asked for more time to do their picnic. Of course, this was not a difficult request to fulfill! I delighted in watching them march around the house hiking to their picnic spot. It was pure mother's joy...completely precious!
So, as much as my children argue, bicker, and disagree, they are developing friendships with each other. It does my heart well! I see that certain ones play more often--or do particular activities--with another. I see that dynamics change depending on the day and who is around or not around. Just as I like certain things about each of my kids, I think they have certain characteristics that they like about each other too! My baby, for instance, plays with her sister most often. But, she trusts Jaden alone to pick her up, get her out of bed, or buckle her in her booster seat. However, her brother Luke is the one she goes to most often to hug or give a spontaneous kiss--she adores him. There is nothing wrong with this. It's good and healthy. I'm so looking forward to watching these friendships grow and develop over the years. As often as I choke up at the realization of how fast these early years are moving, I honestly get such a sense of excitement thinking about their teenage and young adult years. I can almost see and hear them sitting around a table playing games, laughing, and reminiscing. It does my heart well! Personally, this evidence and development of sibling love is as much a reward of parenting for me as the reward of my own relationship growth with my children. What a true joy to see them learning and desiring to love one another!
There is a delicate balance, I believe, in allowing them to form their own type of friendship with one another, and helping them to resolve conflicts with one another. I have never wanted to be a hands-off or even permissive parent that leaves her children to fend for themselves, so to speak. I fear, in wanting to help them learn to work together appropriately and to resolve conflicts, that I have probably interfered now and then in opportunities for these relationships to form naturally. It is a delicate balance! I'm learning that it is good and healthy on occasion to allow them the opportunity to work out a conflict on their own. Of course, if I hear ear-piercing shreaks or furniture being overturned, I should intervene. However, when I have allowed for this, usually they work it out (even though from time to time there are raised voices or childish names being called). Generally, when they see that I am not running in the room to settle the dispute, they come to some sort of a compromise or way of making peace. Surprisingly, I think that even they prefer peace!
So, it is my goal to give myself the permission to back off a bit more often. And, I am purposing to afford my children more opportunities to learn to work and play together. Sometimes, when I least expect it I see evidence of their love for one another and their enjoyment in each other's company. Just this afternoon, Jaden and I had finished his home school work and he was putting together a Lego set. Luke was busy with a toy. I had just finished some yoga stretches with Ella (who always tries the stretches with me....and does fairly well for a 3 yr. old). Tessa was laughing at us and lying down by us from time to time. After this, I put gates at the stairs (so Tessa wouldn't attempt them) and ran upstairs for a super-quick mommy shower. (Yes, I am one of those awful moms who lets her children survive without her for 10 min. while she showers....with the bathroom door open so she can hear almost everything! And, yes, I have had to run downstairs in a towel with soap in my hair before!) Anyhow, as usual, when I turn off the water I listen carefully or call down to see how things are going. As I listened I heard soft talking and the sounds of pleasure...really! Not fighting or bickering! I quickly dressed and ran downstairs. All 4 were gathered in a close huddle around my daughter's tea set. They were arranging plates, napkins, and forks and placing them in the basket. They told me they were going on a picnic. Tessa, almost 19 mos. old, had no idea what she was doing but she was right there with her brothers and sister. I told them their rest-time would be soon, but they quickly asked for more time to do their picnic. Of course, this was not a difficult request to fulfill! I delighted in watching them march around the house hiking to their picnic spot. It was pure mother's joy...completely precious!
So, as much as my children argue, bicker, and disagree, they are developing friendships with each other. It does my heart well! I see that certain ones play more often--or do particular activities--with another. I see that dynamics change depending on the day and who is around or not around. Just as I like certain things about each of my kids, I think they have certain characteristics that they like about each other too! My baby, for instance, plays with her sister most often. But, she trusts Jaden alone to pick her up, get her out of bed, or buckle her in her booster seat. However, her brother Luke is the one she goes to most often to hug or give a spontaneous kiss--she adores him. There is nothing wrong with this. It's good and healthy. I'm so looking forward to watching these friendships grow and develop over the years. As often as I choke up at the realization of how fast these early years are moving, I honestly get such a sense of excitement thinking about their teenage and young adult years. I can almost see and hear them sitting around a table playing games, laughing, and reminiscing. It does my heart well! Personally, this evidence and development of sibling love is as much a reward of parenting for me as the reward of my own relationship growth with my children. What a true joy to see them learning and desiring to love one another!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Memories that Last a Lifetime
The holidays are such a wonderful time for me celebrating with friends, family, food, and now...my own children! Children make the holidays even more special--more meaningful and alive. I stumbled across a quote a few months ago about how memories make such an impact, and yet, often as parents life is filled with such hustle and bustle that we don't stop to reflect on the memories we are making for our little ones. "There were the years when the children were young, fast-moving periods when life flew by without time for the roots of deep reflection, and yet...memories were created whether one pondered them or not." When I read this, I could not agree more if I had said it myself. We can so easily get caught up in what we (as parents) think is important or necessary during the holidays--or everyday life--that we miss out on memories-in-the-making.
We may never know what is standing out as a fond memory in our children's lives. For me, as a child the one holiday memory that stands out so profoundly I can almost see, feel, hear, and smell it is arriving home from school during the Christmas season. I remember coming in the front door and hearing the sounds of Christmas music playing throughout the house--one of my mom's favorite records, no doubt! I could smell Pledge dusting spray because she had likely been moving from one room to the next preparing for the holiday. And, the air was warm with the scents of ginger, vanilla, nutmeg, cinnamon, molasses, and chocolate....my mom was baking! This was Christmas to me! I was oblivious to any worries or stresses my parents may have been facing: How do we pay for all the gifts? How do we prepare emotionally for visits with relatives? How will we have the time to accomplish everything? Children have this way of embracing the joys of the season with pure innocence. Why burden ourselves so much when what may hold special meaning and stand out in our children's memories is almost completely out of our hands? Every day is an opportunity for fond memories in the life of a child. I want to share a poem that I read today, for the first time since I've been a parent. It held such new understanding for me.
We may never know what is standing out as a fond memory in our children's lives. For me, as a child the one holiday memory that stands out so profoundly I can almost see, feel, hear, and smell it is arriving home from school during the Christmas season. I remember coming in the front door and hearing the sounds of Christmas music playing throughout the house--one of my mom's favorite records, no doubt! I could smell Pledge dusting spray because she had likely been moving from one room to the next preparing for the holiday. And, the air was warm with the scents of ginger, vanilla, nutmeg, cinnamon, molasses, and chocolate....my mom was baking! This was Christmas to me! I was oblivious to any worries or stresses my parents may have been facing: How do we pay for all the gifts? How do we prepare emotionally for visits with relatives? How will we have the time to accomplish everything? Children have this way of embracing the joys of the season with pure innocence. Why burden ourselves so much when what may hold special meaning and stand out in our children's memories is almost completely out of our hands? Every day is an opportunity for fond memories in the life of a child. I want to share a poem that I read today, for the first time since I've been a parent. It held such new understanding for me.
One Wish of God
If God would grant me just one wish
To be enjoyed through life,
I would not ask for wealth or power
Or comforts, without strife.
I would but ask He touch my heart
And fill it--for this while--
With just the simple loves I knew
When I was just a child.
The kind of loves that made each day
A blessing to behold
And filled my heart with trust and faith
In Him and human fold,
And this is all that I would ask--
To make my life sublime:
To live with just this kind of love
That, once, was yours and mine.
My aging years have proven, well,
The noblest gift on earth
Is not some gift we take from life
Of selfish, private worth.
It's what we carry in our hearts
To share and give away,
Such as the loves we knew--and grew--
Within our childhood days.
Michael Dubina
Memories are being made in our children's hearts and minds, whether we realize it or not. Those memories live in our hearts; they last a lifetime; they take us right back to that childhood innocence, playfulness, and bliss. I don't always remember this...I don't always do the best by my children. But, my heart's desire and prayer is that I would make each moment count--that I would make each day an opportunity for a special memory to be made. I may never know for sure when memories are being made, but truly they are.
*Quote by Erica Bauermeister
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
The Season of Perpetual Hope
So many have heard that this is the season of perpetual hope! I agree with this in so many ways, but I have also had occasion over the last few weeks to consider that countless people struggle during this time of the year. I won't recount all of the ways one may struggle; I'm sure no one would disagree with this fact. Well, one particular Bible scripture has often come to my mind recently: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12 I've given much thought to this, even in regards to my own life...dreams, hopes, and desires that I long to see fulfilled. I will attest that if my hope begins to fail me, my heart truly feels heavy and discouraged (not to mention the physical implications of this proverb). However, when a desire or longing is fulfilled, hope is restored and renewed...hope in the good of people; hope in justice; hope in humanity. My soul feels encouraged! My steps feel more certain! My heart feels lighter! My smile is brighter!
Everyone deserves to feel this way, especially during this season of perpetual hope! The reality, however, is that this will not be so. But I am determined to do whatever I can, during this season, to restore the hope of another! We all can do something. Each one has something to give. Sometimes, the simple act of wearing a smile can brighten another's life and help to restore one's hope in humanity--especially when the smile one receives is unexpected.
In times past, I will admit that I have counted myself out of being able to do much or make much of a difference. Often, I have even discounted myself due to financial circumstances--though I always have had a roof over my head, food on my table, and clothes on my back. I have turned the other way! I will no longer discount what I am able to give or contribute. I began this season purposing in my heart to ask God continually, "What would you have me do today?" It's no surprise that most often what I felt compelled to do was something for someone else! I have tears in my eyes recalling some of what God impressed on my heart to do, because I am so overwhelmingly grateful that He has allowed me the opportunity to take my eyes off of myself and my own circumstances!
What I have begun to experience, in turn, is that my very own hope has been restored in more ways than one. My heart has been encouraged by the generosity, thoughtfulness, and kindness of others during this season. More importantly, I am learning that even when I wonder if what I have to give is enough, I realize that if I give anyway...it becomes more than enough. As a result, we have more than enough. A wise man and pastor at our church, Jeffrey Smith, said recently "When it's in your hands, it is never enough; but when you put it in God's hands it becomes more than enough." There is such truth and hope in this understanding. If I trust in God when I choose to do for someone else--or give to someone else--God blesses and increases it. He blesses the giver as well as the receiver. Hope is restored.
So my encouragement is that we would all take time to consider others before ourselves. What do I have to give? What can I do for someone else today? How can I be a blessing? This should be the season of perpetual hope...and it should never end!
Everyone deserves to feel this way, especially during this season of perpetual hope! The reality, however, is that this will not be so. But I am determined to do whatever I can, during this season, to restore the hope of another! We all can do something. Each one has something to give. Sometimes, the simple act of wearing a smile can brighten another's life and help to restore one's hope in humanity--especially when the smile one receives is unexpected.
In times past, I will admit that I have counted myself out of being able to do much or make much of a difference. Often, I have even discounted myself due to financial circumstances--though I always have had a roof over my head, food on my table, and clothes on my back. I have turned the other way! I will no longer discount what I am able to give or contribute. I began this season purposing in my heart to ask God continually, "What would you have me do today?" It's no surprise that most often what I felt compelled to do was something for someone else! I have tears in my eyes recalling some of what God impressed on my heart to do, because I am so overwhelmingly grateful that He has allowed me the opportunity to take my eyes off of myself and my own circumstances!
What I have begun to experience, in turn, is that my very own hope has been restored in more ways than one. My heart has been encouraged by the generosity, thoughtfulness, and kindness of others during this season. More importantly, I am learning that even when I wonder if what I have to give is enough, I realize that if I give anyway...it becomes more than enough. As a result, we have more than enough. A wise man and pastor at our church, Jeffrey Smith, said recently "When it's in your hands, it is never enough; but when you put it in God's hands it becomes more than enough." There is such truth and hope in this understanding. If I trust in God when I choose to do for someone else--or give to someone else--God blesses and increases it. He blesses the giver as well as the receiver. Hope is restored.
So my encouragement is that we would all take time to consider others before ourselves. What do I have to give? What can I do for someone else today? How can I be a blessing? This should be the season of perpetual hope...and it should never end!
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